Dear joanna s.:

By “I too did not trust myself to make decisions” I mean that when it came to buying an item, be it food, clothing, self care, any item that the store had more than one to choose from,  I stood in front of two or more items for a long, long time and I did feel weird for taking so much time, and feeling so uncomfortable not knowing what to choose. I considered mostly what is the less expensive item by figuring weight, volume, price per unit of weight, ingredients and whatnot. My struggle was a combination of not knowing what I wanted: what color do I prefer, what is it that I want, what is it that I value, and not wanting to spend more of my hard working mother’s money than I had to, feeling guilty for spending her money.

I figure you were not worried about the price, like I was, because you buy 3-4 items, being afraid you choose the wrong one, so the thinking is that if you buy two items, you don’t have to choose between the two. You referred to this thinking as “really weird”, but I don’t think it’s weird, it  makes sense! I don’t think my behavior taking so much time choosing was weird (although it felt weird at the time) because now I understand why it was so difficult. When you understand the Why of your behavior, you no longer think it is Weird.

Maybe your Why has to do with your mother expressing great displeasure when you chose something that she thought was the wrong choice?

My goodness, how you described your experience with your mother is exactly my own experience: “walking on eggshells being careful not to offend her, listening to her vent, being scolded, absorbing her emotions”.

I asked you if you were aware of feeling a longing, a pull, a strong emotional need for your mother. You answered: “Yes.. I ‘miss’ her but not miss her.. NO, I don’t ‘miss’ her”-

– this is how I understand your answer: as a young child you felt the most intense longing/ pull/need for your mother (all young children do), but because she hurt you so much and repeatedly, you did your best to not long for her, to not need her, to no longer be emotionally attached to her. Because we instinctively (like all animals) move away from pain.

I did my very best to not care for my mother. For decades I was aware of feeling nothing for her but anger and disgust. It was only after I ended all contact with her seven years ago, and long after I did, that I became aware of how intense and desperate my need for her was early on, as intense as a need for oxygen.

It messes us up when the person we need and love the most in the world hurts us repeatedly- it is definitely enough to cause the “no identity/ constantly suffering” state of mind you referred to in the title of your thread.

anita