Dear Anita,

Sorry for the delayed answer. Work has been hectic, but in a weird sense, cathartic as well. It gives me peace of mind. For a while at least.

I`m really scared of the idea of medication in this moment. But I am open to the idea of alternative therapy such as volunteering, helping others, starting a hobby etc. Financially at this stage in my life I can support therapy multiple times per week, so I will go with your suggestion.

Ever since that “breakup” happened, I cannot eat that well. I force feed myself sometimes. My tonsils became ill and my neck is in pain – the classic reponse my body has when I am in deep unhappiness or something terrible happens (psychosomatic doctors say). Everyday I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic, sweating and then it hits me – hes gone for good. I get anxious and frustrated, until I finally calm by the memory of my grandma and listening to bird sounds on youtube. Then Im back to a semi-sleep kind of thing. Which is draining rather than relaxing… Other times I just cry it out, because I blank out and totally ignore my surroundings, thinking Im alone. What I wouldnt give to sleep and live. And live….

Im scared I dont know how to make good choices. I dont trust myself anymore. But strangely enough, I do! In the sense that my intuition makes me "screw up" or be "demanding" with lame guys and thus I get the out of my life. Do I make sense? Like two Sofies: 1. She is the pleaser/agreeable/all accepting/no demands/no standards/beggar    2. She is screaming from the inside, manipulating my emotions and mind to trigger my action because she sees the danger sign outside those peoples doors. And I listen to her but the other one brings me down as a punishment. Like a parent, cant keep them both happy, they antagonize too much. Its a fine mess.

Thank you for you understanding and insight. I wished I could be of help here on the forum, but how can a blind offer guidance to others? I can`t take that big of a responsibility. I will make a new post with my recovery, keeping my path updated.