Dear Malena:

You are welcome.

Regarding: “the kids are so desperate for her love they don’t want to be parted from her”- young children are very needy of their mother, but when she threatens to leave them in one way or another, over and over again, they become desperate for her, not only as young children, but as teenagers and adults- It is the threatening behavior of the mother that fuels her children’s lifetime desperation for her, a desperation that shows itself in different ways.

You shared that your boyfriend of 3.5 years has been divorced four years. He and his wife have joint physical custody of the kids, 11 and 17, the kids spend 50% of their time with their mother and 50% of their time with their father. His two kids refuse any contact with you “out of fear of rejection from their mother… constant fear of mother’s rejection” as she “continuously threatens to leave them if they engage in any positive way in dad’s relationship… any form of disloyalty from the children is punished by tantrums and threats. It’s heartbreaking to watch” (did you personally watched it?)

His ex wife “doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing, she refused to do any form of mediation or counseling for herself”, and any attempt by your boyfriend “to have a constructive conversation with his ex end up in verbal abuse from her”.

His 17 year old recently started giving her father “silent treatment at any mention of our relationship” and the 11 year old is “too scared to support dad”.

You also shared that you and your boyfriend have planned to get married and live together but as it is, you are not allowed to stay in his home while his kids are in his custody, and when you suggest that you should be allowed in his home while his kids are there, you “almost become the ‘bad guy'”.

My input today: I don’t know if during these 3.5 year relationship, you ever met his kids, if you spent time with them in their father’s home at earlier times. I don’t know if you ever met his ex wife, if you personally watched the way she treats her children, or the way she treats her ex husband.

You wrote that his 17 year old gives her father “silent treatment at any mention of our relationship”- I don’t know why their father keeps you out of his home so to prevent his children being harassed by their mother, yet mentions you to them, knowing that she will harass them for it.

* If you never met his ex wife or his children, then all this is a third person’s account, that is, your boyfriend’s account. When thinking of all possibilities in a situation, then it is a possibility that he doesn’t want to proceed to live together and marry you and is using this story to buy time.

If his story is true, you met the kids perhaps, spent time with them and their mother started to harass them about it (a more likely scenario) then this woman, their mother, is not  only abusive to her kids when it comes to his relationship with you, but she is abusive to them otherwise. A mother who punished her children with “tantrums and threats” is not likely to limit her tantrums and threats to one issue. If it works for her in one context, she will use it in another context, for example, if her 17 year old dates someone she disapproves of, or.. if her 11 year old doesn’t want to eat his broccoli (a wild example, but it happens).

If you look at the US federal website regarding child abuse: w w w.  childwelfare. gov (no spaces), it states there: “Federal legislation provides guidance to States by identifying a minimum set of acts or behaviors that define child abuse and neglect. The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA).. defines child abuse and neglect as, at minimum: ‘Any recent act of failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation’; or ‘An act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.'”-

– according to what you shared, his ex wife is emotionally harming her children, he knows it and fails to act on what he knows (by seeking sole custody, for one.. and by mentioning you to his children and their mother, knowing this mentioning will lead to (more) abuse done to them.

Under “Reporting Child Abuse and Neglect”, on the same website, it states: “Each state has a system to receive and respond to reports of possible child abuse and neglect. Professionals and concerned citizens can call statewide hotlines, local child protective services, or law enforcement agencies to share their concerns”-

– I think you qualify under “concerned citizen” to share your concerns about his 11 and 17 year old kids.

In summary: people turn a blind eye to emotional child abuse because there is so much of it, and because there is no blood or broken bones involved, but emotional child abuse often does lead, over time, to illness, injury and death (ex. by drug overdose and other risky behaviors), in addition to the emotional suffering before visible injuries and death.

Like I wrote before, this story goes beyond a relationship between a man and a woman.

anita