Dear Anita

Tonight it hit me the awareness that trying to change or help my mind is useless or futile, only meds can do that. And that’s because it’s not what happens in my life that makes me so negative, it’s my own mind making me so negative and everything so shitty and unbearable. Yes I know you may say “that’s what we’ve been saying since forever, do you realize it now?” Before, I only knew it logically, now I know it.

I think I should just stop paying attention to my mind altogether. It’s damaged beyond my own power, and nope I don’t say it in a dramatic, self loathing way, but it truly is damaged, it’s like the metaphor you once used about a zone full of bombs ready to explode at every minute, it’s just beyond my control and will to change, after all, no one chooses to suffer

Whenever I have emotional reactions inappropriate for the situation, or crazy fantasies that leave me disturbed over and over again, or disturbing thoughts, that’s my mind.