@shelby Thank you for the birthday wishes!! I hope you enjoyed your mini break. My heart goes out to you reading your latest post. I know that feeling of tiredness so well. Not just in regards to heartbreak but just trying to navigate life day in and day out, and feeling like I’m getting nowhere. I sure hope this latest blip passes and you are feeling more optimistic soon! How is it that every time we are in these mindsets it feels endless even though from experience it isn’t? The brain is such a fickle thing.

@genie thanks for your continued encouragement! I hope you are doing well yourself?

Today is one of those days I wish I didn’t know what love – and heartbreak- was like. Woke up with a ball of anxiety in my stomach and had to give myself a pep talk of sorts just to get out of bed.

While it’s true I didn’t feel the need to engage as much with my ex last time we talked,it’s the classic pattern where she has not replied to my latest message for a week now and it’s made me feel very bad. I don’t even know why I care, after all I have already committed to not reach out to her (as in send the first message). I guess I just don’t understand why she would not reply when she prompted the conversation.

But it was like this in our relationship too… she just wouldn’t reply while we were in the middle of a conversation and sometimes it was really hurtful. Like one time I sent her a very heartfelt message at the start of a week long trip, after we’d had quite a deep conversation the night before, and she saw it and didn’t reply for several hours. I got so anxious I messaged her again and said I was sorry if the message was too full on. She eventually replied and didn’t even address most of the message which was hurtful to me cos I had made myself quite vulnerable in sending it. It used to drive me crazy, really. Now I have looked into attachment styles, she definitely has avoidant tendencies – and me anxious (quite obviously!!). Anyway, I have been trying to tell myself that I deserve someone who is responsive when I am vulnerable, but mostly I am just angry at myself cos I have got myself into this pattern AGAIN, and I have to wonder why it’s taking my brain so long to learn that no, it won’t be different this time. Chemicals, I guess?!

Anyway, on the plus side I got up and put on a new dress and got heaps of compliments about it, so I felt good about that, and as my therapist says, sometimes you just have to put yourself to bed early… so bring on the sleep!

Take care all. xx