Dear Jennifer:

A summary of what you shared Oct 2019 and March 2020 (it helps me process information when I do that):

You met your boyfriend at Tinder about December 2018, your “first ever proper love”.  At about August 2019, you went through a lot of stress, had “the biggest arguments” with him, and you believe that you hurt him by breaking up with him, and regretted it. You were about to contact him two days after breaking up with him, but found out that he was already back on Tinder and that he posted a video of himself on Instagram, saying he was ready to date other women.

A week later you sent him a message, he replied and said that he still wanted to be a part of your life. Later that night he “denied the whole tinder thing”. Later on he told you that “he wasn’t trying to pursue anyone else”, and the two of you “became more than friends but nothing official”. He told you that he didn’t like it that you weren’t “as open as he was”, (you agree that you are not open, that you usually don’t talk about your problems and feelings), and he told you that in order for the relationship to go back to normal,  you should “open up to him and tell him stuff from now on”.

You proceeded to do as he asked and “told him everything that was happening”. But one afternoon you received screenshots of his tinder account, and “everything was updated on it”. You felt betrayed, hurt and angry, more so because he made it look like you were the problem, that if only you were open with him, the relationship will be good. When confronted he said that he “downloaded tinder to vent to people.. about personal problems”. When you asked him why didn’t he vent to you, he said that “he didn’t want that affecting us being official and because he wasn’t doing anything on the app.”.

The two of you got back together after that, but no matter how much you tried looking past the Tinder happening and his nonsensical excuses aka lies (my words), you just couldn’t. There would be arguments in which he accused you: “whey aren’t you over it”? as well as complain that you were “getting upset with him every other day”, and proceeded to blame you for ruining things,  saying that “downloading the app was the only way he felt that he could fix what I ruined in the first place”. He keeps telling you that you have hurt him, “that how I hurt him is the biggest thing and no matter what he does it won’t compete with that”, and  that “in his book he isn’t aware of how he has (hurt you)”.

Almost five months later, in your update today, you wrote that after he “said he would stop doing certain stuff”, he eventually broke his word and “kept liking proactive pictures of females”. You confronted him about it and he stopped. You added that when the two of you have arguments he “runs to his male friends and tells them everything”, and that he never showed you to his parents on Facetime, but he didn’t. Instead, when his parents come into his rom, he “covers  the camera with his bed covers”.

And now, my input: I understand that you feel love for him, that you feel emotionally attached to him, that there were good times between you and him and you miss those  times. The one major problem is that he is dishonest with you: he repeatedly lies to you. You can’t look past that, no matter how he tells you that you should look past it.

When a dishonest man tells you to look past his dishonesty… you shouldn’t accommodate his request.

In addition to being dishonest,, he is in the habit of accusing you and blaming you. He is not looking into his own dishonesty, apologizing to you sincerely for having lied to you, and correcting his ways. He blames you instead, guilt tripping you.

You indicated that he is  not aware that he is hurting you, that he broke your trust. I don’t think that he is not aware; I think that he doesn’t care about the truth; he doesn’t think Truth is important.

You care about the truth; he doesn’t. As long as you look past his lies and don’t bother him with the truth, he will be okay with you. In other words, as long as you don’t bother him with the truth, he is happy. But can you, or should you not bother him with the truth, keeping silent when he lies to you do?

Confronting him and arguing with him is not a good idea because he doesn’t correct his ways as a result, instead- he blames you once again for hurting him!

About you not being an open person, you should be open, but not with him because he will use what you share honesty with him, against you. It is never a good idea to be open with a dishonest person.

* I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

anita