Dear Anita

My anger is always this up, since forever actually, it’s only that lately I’m starting to embrace it and i am slowly stopping to feel sorry for my thoughts or hatred, prior I was trying to keep my darkness at hold now if I had the chance to hurt someone either physically, I’d take it gladly. I don’t care.

I’ve beaten myself up for thoughts and impulses beyond my control all my life, I’ve feel guilty, ashamed, inferior, undeserving for them only to ‘protect others’, these thoughts and feelings only hurt me though.

Yes I’m aware that there’s lot of suffering below. Suffering for being treated only decently instead of being loved, for feeling disrespected, for having to cope with my mental health all by myself since almost forever, tired of having to show up for others while others never do the same for me. Tired of having to hold up, of being ignored or dismissed. Tired of myself for never freeing myself. All my life I’ve beaten myself up for being unlovable, stupid, weird, wrong, because others either neglected me or barely accepted me. I’ve questioned it all, I still question it. I ask myself whether this dark feelings are justified at all, someone I know greets me warmly or have me doing small talk, or say they love me and then feel tremendously shitty with myself for thinking so ill of them deep inside. But I can no longer blame myself or asking myself what’s wrong with me, I can no longer take it