Dear Alex:

Reads to me that the intensity of your shame and guilt far exceeds the nature of the wrong. Within the ending time of the relationship with your partner, you had conversations with a person who was not your partner, and at times during those conversations, you didn’t answer your partner’s calls. Unless your partner’s calls were urgent, as in her needing your urgent help, and you knowing that, then your wrongdoing is minor.

I am guessing that your intense emotional experience (“immense guilt.. so ashamed.. want to throw up.. all I can think about”) is not about what you termed emotional affair, but about something else. Maybe something that happened way before your relationship with your partner.

Are you in contact with your ex partner, and does your ex partner blame you or guilt-trips you about the ending of the relationship?

anita