Dear Nia:

“Is this all my feeling problems is caused by my mom..?”- most of your pain was caused by your mother leaving you. There is no one and nothing more important to a young child than her mother. And she left you when you were 4, when you were very much attached to her.

“Is that okay if I’m not seeing the psychotherapist for this time..? Could u please help me to aware of my original pain?”-

– if it is possible for you to see a therapist, then you should see one. In some places in the world it is possible for people to see a therapist free of charge, or for a low pay. Maybe this is possible for you too. Also, it needs to be a good therapist, a professional who is empathetic and skillful.

I am not a therapist, and even if I was, I don’t think that online therapy is appropriate. The reason you need a therapist (and one that you see in-person, in her office) is because this kind of work- bringing one’s repressed emotional pain up to one’s awareness, is not an intellectual kind of work, like work a student does for school. It is an emotional work and that requires an in-person relationship with a professional. You sit in the office with a therapist, you talk, you can see her face, you get to like her, over time (if she is a quality professional), you get to trust her, you look forward to seeing her again, you build some emotional attachment toward her, and it is that attachment and trust that will make you feel safe enough for the original pain to reach your awareness.

I will be glad to suggest this or that exercise for you, to get in better touch with that pain, but this is not and cannot be therapy. I don’t have the education and training to be a therapist and to help you do this kind of emotional work.

You wrote about meeting your mother for the first time after she left you at 4: “She cried when looked at me, but I don’t know I can’t cry”- the hurt and sadness about her leaving you is underneath your awareness, meaning you don’t feel it anymore, you are detached or removed from that hurt and sadness of long ago.

“Years by years without her, I feel really hate her”- you are aware of your anger toward her. See, you are not completely unaware or removed from your long ago emotions, when she left you. Anger follows hurt or fear. Clearly, you experienced hurt and fear when she left you at 4 and afterwards.

“someone told me, if I forgive my mom, my future will be more good.. When I was at home, I pray.. that day I really forgive her”- it is true that ongoing anger hurts us, so better not be angry, but we have to become aware and process the hurt and fear that led to the anger, before we heal. Getting rid of the anger before processing what led to the anger is not helpful.

You shared that you didn’t care to do “self care/ girly stuff”, and maybe you didn’t clean the house much or took care of your father well enough (even though it was your best).  If you did attend quality psychotherapy, you will find out why, there are reasons.

I mentioned that I can suggest this or that exercise to you. Here is one: when you are alone at home and you don’t expect anyone to interrupt you, make yourself comfortable by maybe taking a hot shower or a bath, relax, wear comfortable clothes and then sit comfortably in front of the computer and type away (or write on a paper if you prefer that), anything that comes to mind about your mother, anything at all. Don’t worry if what you write makes sense, don’t overthink it, just type away. You can do it here on your thread and I will read and reply to you, giving you my thoughts and feelings about what you wrote.

anita