Just an update @adelaide @shelbyville

Met Jay yesterday. It was very emotional. Feel kind of like I had out of body experience.

We met at a local bistro. I was really really anxious at one point wanted to cancel go home. Anyway he turned up good start, I was wearing a mask because of coronavirus and he said I hope you are going to take that thing off and when I asked why…he said he wanted to kiss me. I said what if you are infected and I get it. He replied we can then quarantine together. 14 days together …your choice? Yes chicks, I kissed him!

I was not expecting that! But it’s like he knew I needed a statement of some sort to tell me or put me at ease off the bat to which way it was heading. We enjoyed lunch and had a real heart to heart.

He said he had felt a little out of his depth, he had never dealt with someone who has anxiety before alongside the baggage of my ex it had become a bit too much. He didn’t know whether he was helping or making things worse, at the same time he had needs which weren’t being met so thought at least as friends he could avoid those expectations or pressurising me until I was ready. He said he felt he had been really patient and didn’t know what more he could do and me going off on him made him feel like he was not enough and I was beginning to take liberties and he didnt like that feeling. I felt really sad and guilty at this point because I know he has been and gone beyond what any other man would.

He said in the space he missed me even though at first he was annoyed, he still thought I was special. He said he wished he was a mirror so he could reflect back what he saw in me so I could finally see it. This made me cry, him uncomfortable and he just held my hand and said I’m going to make you see it somehow.

He concluded even though we kissed today he thinks friends is the best way forward for now until I’ve dealt with my issues because he doesn’t want to jump into anything serious or labels because it adds more pressure and more needs. We agreed to keep hanging out at least 1 a week and then have these heart to hearts to communicate where we are at and when we are both ready to move up. He said we are kind of in a relationship but just not label it.
I just wanted to jump in his arms and tell him I am falling in love with him and I just want to be his. But he is right there are issues I need to deal with to be the best partner to him. He deserves that. Knowing me if I move onto the next stage I may just end up blaming him as my anxiety is out of control at the moment and I don’t want that to happen. I want our intimate moment to be special after all this struggle and not tarnished by my anxiety.

He mentioned he struggles to cope with the change of me being hot one minute then aloof and cold the next and I needed to get to a place of stability. When he said that it reminded me of my ex. I felt physically sick I was now doing that to someone. Wow how past relationships impact us! He said it makes him feel toyed with, undesired and used. He said he did not appreciate me accusing him of cheating or taking advantage of his kind nature. I needed to be more aware that although he is so giving he doesn’t like being made to feel like that. I apologised again and he sensed me getting upset because I felt so bad so he gave me a hug and said it was in the past but just be aware that he may not have anxiety or issues as such but has feelings and is affected by my actions too. He said if there are times he feels overwhelmed he will tell me but I needed to respect his space without thinking the worst eg he is cheating.

He made me feel on cloud 9 during the lunch. I didn’t want it to end. I left and got back home and felt like I didn’t deserve him. I felt what have I done to get a guy who is so compassionate, loving and accepting. What does he see in me? He is hot, funny, intelligent, kind and could have anyone he wanted. Why me? Then I tried to pull myself out of the self loathing and looked in the mirror and said he chose you Genie. So be better, be the reason he wakes up in the morning and he feels I’m lucky to have this chick. Stop the self esteem issues ruining something great.

I think it’s going to be a journey but I’m fully committed to proving to this man he made the right choice in waiting. I’m fully committed to realising my happiness. The effort, patience and care he has shown me in short space is something I’m no longer going to take liberty of. I want to come on here one day and say I loved and I lost. I was broken but I rose again. I found real love when I was in a hopeless place , the kind when you are in the dark and feel unlovable but an angel pulls you out. The real love when they love you at your worst. So I can only imagine how much he will love me at my best. That’s what I’m going to work towards being the best Genie for myself and him. I’ll keep you updated and I’m sure I’ll screw up again somewhere along the line but I’m determined. I’m ready. Wish me luck.