Hi everybody,

Firstly @Michelle you have a wealth of experience and are straight to the point and right. It would be stupid of me to ignore your advice and go on the defensive. It will only cause me to go backwards and I really don’t want that for myself anymore.

Ii have made another step in progress , I was strong and when the opportunity rose I did turn down his “help”. For once he may be feeling what I felt after each break up or surprised at least like you said. You are right I’ve recognised even though I loved him he couldn’t meet my needs. If we went back there again, it would only be a matter of time before we had the same commitment issues and me bending over backwards for him and not have my needs met. I don’t want to ever go back to those dark feelings after each breakup for a short buzz even if that physical aspect has always been tempting. It’s done and over. I can’t help but carry a bit of love for him but I know he isn’t healthy for me now. I think even if Jay wasn’t around I’d decide the same so I’m really feeling this has been a big change in me.

Meeting the parents for me has always been a big step. What worries me is that I don’t feel I’m at my best and don’t want any anxiety to ruin it for me. I’m glad you mentioned to convey it to Jay. Because in my fear and anxious moment I didn’t even think to see what impact it would have on him. This is where I feel I I don’t deserve him, I can be so selfish which was never me before. I really need to work on that. Jay was understanding as ever. I actually sent him something to make him feel appreciated after you mentioned that.

I didn’t think I’d find love again, I didn’t even realise it was there. But this is a different kind not the rush of excited highs with my ex. It’s a steady warmth, calming encompassing one that makes me feel like I can finally be the unmasked version of myself, I feel seen and understood. It’s incredible. He really taught me to have more self worth. It’s amazing when someone shows you real love. I would be a fool to mess this up so I need to take it slow and not get ahead of myself. It’s hard to explain. I really want the whole thing but once I have it I’m scared I guess of it heading the same way as my relationship with my ex or me messing it up due to the scars from that relationship. But at the same time Jay is x10 the man in terms of meeting my needs so I need to have more faith.

@michelle I hope you got your flight safely home. Fingers crossed.

@adelaide as you mentioned you and @shelbyville got a text from ex too. You too made the hard but right decision to understand it’s very easy in times like this to go back to what you knew and were comfortable with. However we do deserve better for ourselves. You will find someone who you connect with and can totally be yourself, needy in the ways you want and met half way to have a much healthier relationship. I really hope you get to experience that as that feeling of finally being seen for who you are is amazing. It will make you realise what true love is bringing out the best version of each other and working hard equally hard together to make it work.

Dont be hard on yourself about your interactions with your acquaintance. But it’s not worth it chick. Few post ago I mentioned I was in that mindset when I left my ex but those superficial level connections give you short term ego boost but long term damage your self esteem. Does this person even care for who you really are? No, so don’t put your thoughts into this person.

You can learn new skills, online courses. Puzzles, learn new cooking recipes,watch Netflix, clean my place is sparkly now for once.

I hope you all stay safe and healthy. I hope our families and loved ones are safe too. We should aim to make it out the other side as better people and it really is a time when you realise the good people in your life. So hold onto.them. love you all chicks. Xxx