Dear Panda:

Three days ago, your two year relationship ended. You wrote this about the man: he was a handsome, successful, productive man who was “impatient, mean and critical.. constantly belittled me… locked me out of the house.. pushed me violently. This is where the physical abuse started escalating.. From throwing my things, to throwing small things at me, to squeezing my neck so hard from behind.. punched me in the chest hard.. he grabbed a knife”.

You  wrote: “I blame myself”, blaming yourself for “Rather than asking for change from him, I demanded it.. demand he change “- but Panda, when you are abused, you are not supposed to ask the abuser to change and stop abusing you, you are supposed to demand it!

And you blame yourself for the following: “I stupidly looked at his phone.. pushing him while he tried to pretend to sleep.. I physically tried to grab his phone”-

– it is hardly ever the case in domestic violence situations that the man does all the physical abuse and the woman is the passive receiver of his abuse. Almost always there is a back and forth of physical abuse. In what you described, he did the great majority of the physical abuse, and he is indeed 100% responsible for all the acts of abuse and violence that he committed against you.

The fact that you were not the perfect person with him does not lower his 100% responsibility for his behavior, a behavior that could have ended with him being prosecuted and jailed, if the police was involved.

You wrote that you are “feeling like I don’t have any value, as he put it, I am just a useless 34 year old with no career and no direction. A loser without him”-

– If I am to use your word loser, I would say that you were a loser when you were with him and that you are a winner now- for living without him, so congratulations for being a winner!

Will you tell me more about your life (before and during this pandemic): health, work, family connections, friends, etc.?

anita