Hi…

I hope someone sees this. I haven’t logged on to tiny buddha in over a year.

Anita, I know you’ve helped me in the past, and I see you’re still active. You made some observations that have helped in the past, and I think part of the reason I left tiny buddha so abruptly is because you made some observations I wasn’t ready to see. I still am so thankful for your care and concern, and I’m hoping you can help again. (Please read above if you need a refresher, whoever is reading this and wants to know the backstory :).

So I moved back home, and am no longer away at school. My depression got too bad. I couldn’t do it, and a lot has happened between now and then. Long story short, I’m living with my mother during this pandemic. My father is still going to work every day despite 10 confirmed cases of coronavirus because he “has to” because he’s a VP. I would think this means you can work from home so your daughter (me) doesn’t have to have her home displaced and live with her abuser. But here we are.

My mom has been working from home, and I am completing my degree from home (I graduate in 4 weeks with my bachelor’s degree in English).

Things have been going okay all things considering. We get along, I’m even enjoying her company, and this is very conflicting for me in terms of what she has done in the past. And she believes, whole-heartedly, that my father and I were always against her, and “abused” her, but this was and is NEVER true. She likes to be angry and play the victim, even now, over a year after the divorce, 3 years of separation, and a marriage of dysfunction later. I was never allowed to show anything besides positive emotions.

What I’m trying to say is that here I am in my abuser’s home during covid-19, on the east coast, and I feel trapped again. I feel trapped in pointless school work, this house, and my circumstances. I’m 21 and I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t feel trapped. I’ve been working with an amazing therapist weekly for about 6 months and I know I’ve made progress, but social distancing has made me feel like I took ten steps back. I am still looking at jobs and trying to look towards the future, but everything seems so uncertain.

My wish is to go to a job I at least like every day and come home to a studio apartment. I want to make friends and maybe engage in a romantic relationship, which I was just trying to cultivate before social distancing started. That in itself was a huge deal for me as someone who was so enmeshed in the family that I never could see past my parents’ dysfunction and need for parenting to grow up as myself.

This comes back harder on some days than on others. Right now it’s hitting hard. My mom plays the victim and it’s so hard for me to stand it. I want to scream and throw things and exhibit the anger I feel so deeply that I was and am never allowed to show, because I’ve had to live with these people (my parents) my whole life.

As a middle class white female who is physically healthy and privileged, all I want is that dream of a job I like and a door I can lock and a life I can be in charge of. From there, I want to build my own family.

Almost daily I’d say I amaze myself with how well I cope when I look back on all I’ve been through. Part of that is thanks to a recent medication I think, but still.

I guess I’m looking for a reason to keep believing in my dream and any advice in continuing to live with my abuser who sees things in such a skewed way. I am talking/digitally dating two men through this, one of which I started seeing before the pandemic got really bad. Let’s call him A, and he has been very helpful. He knows the highlights of my past, but I feel like he doesn’t know the depths. I feel this pressure to be positive around him, because that’s how he is. And I’m trying not to go back into my codependent or parentified ways and change or “save” him, because he has his own issues. Anyway, I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he says he knows it’s “difficult,” and that’s hard for me to hear amidst everything.

Does anyone have any insight or advice regarding my situation? I am just sitting in these emotions, and while it’s difficult to put this out into the world, I know I’ll feel more connected and less alone. I’m very tired and don’t know what else to do.

Thank you.

J