Hello! I will attempt to clarify…

I certainly had sexual desires, from a young age too (imagined scenarios, usually with characters from tv shows, musicians, etc.). But I really rarely shared them with my peers because it just felt awkward. I was really socially anxious for many years. I feel much more comfortable talking about sex now. And I did get sexual urges (attracted to guys IRL) from time to time, just, I always thought, less than the people around me. This comes from usually figuring I was the odd one out, but I doubt this is so unusual.

Part of me did really want a boyfriend back in high school, but again I was so shy that thinking back I probably turned down a bunch of offers because it was easier to just hide away and do my own thing.

1. I think I mean funny as in, odd or weird. Not funny hah hah. I never dissociated but did feel just unease, as it was all somewhat surreal (first time etc.).

2. I think it was probably poor word  choice on his part, because I always insisted I was very introverted. He is an extrovert and a pleasure-seeker (likes parties, loud concerts, things I don’t find all that enjoyable but I would be willing to give a try), and there was a lot anxiety blown up about compatibility on this point.

3. I think it was pressure to “be a boyfriend” which, I guess I didn’t realize I was doing? I just wanted to spend time with him, but we usually would end up at his house and we’d have sex. After the first time I actually did come to enjoy it, I liked to make him feel good. But there was no reciprocity there… aka I never finished and usually just felt like a sex doll…

4. I don’t have any hang-ups about crying, and i do it frequently since it’s so cathartic. There was never any shame about it in my house, and I know it’s healthy. What was uncharacteristic was that we were in public, and I was just so frazzled that I lost my head and instead of standing up for myself (which I knew I should be doing), I broke down and became very weepy, almost begging with him to be kinder. He was criticizing me about having too many walls up, which made me think “Oh no, I’ve done something to piss him off and he’s disappointed with me.”

5. Maybe so. Although I also felt that since he’s actually had girlfriends in the past that he was showing me how. So when he seemed suddenly so uncomfortable with me (again, I really don’t know why. I guess I was awkward? I think this must be due to the pressure I felt from him, to go so fast from “I like you” to “When we start having sex I wanna stay in bed for like a week.”

6. My parents are both pretty shy and also introverted. This meant that we really stuck together a lot when I was a kid, and even a teen. My rebellious “ugh my parents are so lame” phase came a bit later than most peoples’.

7. Non-romantic rejections aren’t too bad. I can usually forget about them. This was especially bad because I sought validation from the relationship (a guy likes me!) and because it seemed to me to be the start of “real grown-up life” because I had thought having a romantic/sexual relationship was going to be the real start of adulthood. But, I’ve been an adult for years! I moved to a new city for school, live on my own, have taken care of myself now for many years as an independent woman. I have to cut myself some slack..

He didn’t view me as a potential girlfriend, or someone he cared for, he saw me as a plaything. This hurts a lot.

I really do see now that obviously there was something off and this was not a relationship destined to go anywhere. Yes I was shy in bed the first time, but that’s totally understandable. For him, someone who thinks sex is paramount and whose ego I think rests quite heavily on it, this was no doubt a blow.