Anita,

Thank you so much for reminding me that none of this is my fault, and that what needs to be done right now is to take care of myself the best I can.

When you mentioned that I ask my father to rent a studio apartment out for me this weekend, my eyes grew wide with a smile on my face, because you reminded me that I deserve to have a safe place one day!! The feeling was incredible. Unfortunately, it is not possible right now to have that. Financially speaking it’s not an expense that can be spared right now. But, something I do to help myself believe in the future is look for and apply to jobs, look at apartment listings in places I might be able to live, and plan for the future.

Planning for the future in my past consisted of planning for next school year, but this year I’m graduating (in 3 weeks!) so the future I’ve always wanted is just out of reach. I kept hoping that I’d get a job and an apartment right after graduation, but I’m not sure if that will happen for sure, and hopefully in the next few weeks I’ll at least be able to live with my dad, which is a bit better than living with my mom.

Thank you for objectively showing me that I only have so much control… barely any, over my past situations and now. It’s so hard to be as aware as I am of things and remember that I don’t have much control or say.

As to your last question, I think my father is a workaholic who cannot say no to my mother and has almost no healthy boundaries. I don’t know why he still goes to work when others’ are working from home (he tells me he “needs to” because his workers he’s responsible for are there) which is “noble” but also silly and unnecessary; not to mention insulting to me, and extremely displacing for me. I have not felt close to my father in years, and at this point in my life I am close with people I chose to be close with, such as my amazing friends and coworkers at the independent bookstore I’ve worked at since high school, and my two aunts with whom I am very close with. They are my true family.

And in the spirit of knowing I am deserving, perhaps I’ll give them a call and talk to them, at least to remember I am not back in time with no one to really turn to.

My therapist believes my father is working despite the danger so that he can have some attention on himself, and I don’t know how true that is or not. I believe he’s being selfish for sure, but I don’t know why. I’ve learned to try not to put so much energy into figuring it out because it’s how things are unfortunately.

How are you doing anita? You’re like the angel of tiny buddha, and I hope you are okay in this moment.

Thank you for your kindness and willingness to listen, I look forward to talking with you more.

J