Dear Narsil:

“I wasn’t feeling this way when I was in London”- I believe that your great distress is activated in the context of a physical intimate relationship, not outside this context. When in London and in a long-distance relationship, you were not in such a relationship. When your boyfriend tried to live with you in London, he was unhappy, so the idea that you and him were going to  live there forevermore didn’t sink in, in your mind. When you moved to Rome where he is happy living, the idea of you and him living there together and forevermore (being stuck in a relationship with him) sunk in and scared you, bringing about your great distress.

Locations do matter for a variety of reasons: weather, economy, culture, whether we have family there or not, and more. But I don’t think that your great distress in Rome is about Rome. I think it is about the idea that you and your boyfriend are living together and he is happy there, that made you feel that you are stuck with him, in a similar way that you were stuck with your mother.

You wrote about London: “Life was tough, I didn’t have much money, I felt lonely”- but life is tougher when you find yourself stuck in a relationship. Not having much money and loneliness are a walk in the park compared to being stuck in a relationship.

“Shouldn’t I feel free, powerful and independent wherever I am?”- that would be nice, of course. And it will happen when you adequately acknowledge, examine, process and resolve your early life experience with your mother, in your home of origin.

One more thing: the extent of your distress, the panic attacks, the intense anxiety in Rome, these cannot possibly be attributed to a mere move from once city/ country to another. It is not that you moved from a safe city (London) to a city at war, or a city where you were a victim of crime. So I figure, it has to be a result of an early life experience being activated (being stuck with your mother as a child).

anita