Thank you so much for that.

I completely agree. I think the PTSD and all that stress I had with my extended family after my brother assaulted me led to my body breaking down and my doctor agrees. My body even now feels it’s stuck in a stress response even though I’m not panicking anymore etc but I never feel relaxed, I always feel tense and worried. I’m not in the fight or flight panic every day anymore but ever since that assault and the stress my family inflicted on me I’ve felt stuck in a stress response  and my tests showed my cortisol was high. I wish I could reverse that because it feels like I’m stuck in it.

I always feel tense and uptight, I worry about everyone and life feels hard. I feel different to others because the last 2 years I’ve become agoraphobic again and very socially anxious to the point I can’t open the door to the postman as I get a rush of bad panic socialising with anyone. Ok my health has led to me being stuck at home but I believe the stress has led to it all and because I’ve been so hurt by people I’ve become a recluse. I subconsciously I think see the world and people as a threat, I have that hur I think I do because the last 2 years I’ve withdrawn from people and stay home. My health has limited that as I struggle to be active for long but I believe the mental side plays a huge role.

I am happy at home and love my life but I hate I’m not normal or like I used to be. I can’t attend doctors appointments etc I see others I follow on social media going to get their hair and nails done, going to their appointments and I really can’t. This is hard to admit as I fear someone will judge me and think i sound like a complete freak. It just feels like since my friend cut me off I broke inside and suddenly I’d have severe panic attacks having visitors in my house or someone knocking the door. I had social anxiety and agoraphobia shortly after the assault in 2012 but with therapy and exposure work it for better and I was back doing everything. My doctor supports me via the phone and she is brilliant. I’m just so ashamed that at 40 I’m like this. I tell myself daily I’m a terrible mother and wife. When I became so unwell with the panic attacks and CFS 2 year’s ago my husband took over the house, he did my role of cooking and cleaning because I was bed ridden so unwell. We now share evening 50/50 which is a huge success for me but at times I do even more and he does less, it all depends on what my body allows me to do energy wise. I still feel a let down to my family. I stayed strong for so long after the assault doing  trips out etc and now I can’t I feel I’m ruining their childhood having a mum with such fatigue issues and they don’t know about my anxiety but I just feel I’ve let them down. Their dad takes them everywhere and they don’t miss out but I’m not with them so I best myself up when they go places. I worry how I accept them mentally but they assure me they’re fine and having a great childhood.

M children also lost my mum, my siblings and their children, I always worded my children have missed out on grandparents and cousins etc and blame myself but I couldn’t any longer have mentally and physically absusive people in my life. My children really can’t stand my family. They witnessed my brother attack their father the year before he attacked me. My eldest ended up with anxiety and would cry every day sag on the windowsill worries why his dad was late home from work. He would beg me to call him to check where he was etc it was hard. My mum used to visits still at this point and she would be shocked how anxious my son was but even she reluctantly agreed it was because my brother had hurt his dad. He ended up needing therapy and it worked wonders and he’s the least anxious person I know since we cut out my family. I know I did right fk protect my children from the childhood I had.

My step dad saw my son recently and he said to him ‘now I understand why your mum won’t return to the family. I didn’t know anxiety and depression until I married into this family and now I’m on anti depressants. They’re all still violent and one is now a drug addict. Your mum needs to stay away. She is the only nice normal one’. That meant the world to me as he had never said anything like that when I was in the family.

I knit but haven’t in ages as I just can’t bring myself to do anything. It’s like I have zero I’m oh anymore. I know I need to push myself. Get off my phone, get out of my head and force myself to fake it to make it.

Thank you for your kind advice.

Ju