You appear to have done a lot of work trying to understand how your experiences have influenced your relationship to love and relationships. That’s a great place to start.

I know that the terminology of individuation and the task of addressing the Father/Mother complex can be confusing.

The goal as we examine our experiences is that we learn to parent ourselves in a positive way.  We learn how to nurture ourselves and discipline ourselves. This can feel to many to be a paradox of loving oneself unconditionally and conditionally (exactly the experience of growing up in a balanced up bringing.)   One learns to nurture ourselves and hold ourselves accountable and responsible – it is all Love. (unconditional/conditional love is the experience of loving and being loved.) This is how we learn  and learning better the call is to do better.  In this way we learn how to create healthy boundaries that are accepting  of ourselves as we are (unconditional) while working to do better (conditional/measured) . This creates the space for becoming and that IMO is a healthy self love.

When we fail to do better, and we will, we don’t beat ourselves up (abusive self parenting)  but look at the experience honestly, learn what we can, take responsibility of what belongs to us, and move forward. Any labeling of oneself no longer necessary.

The Paradox of Freedom is that it is not exercised in a unconditional allowing but exercised in the setting of healthy boundaries..  Balance between a  ‘freedom from’ and a ‘freedom to”. Like unconditional and conditional love these experiences are not opposites but intimately connected.

Maybe that dons’t make sense, words tend to get in the way, that said I think your on the right path and which you  well in your journy