Dear Anonymous3, I hope you are feeling better. I empathize with what you are going through, and how draining the situation can be. It is a sticky situation. I am partly going through the same situation as you are – unable to make any stable relationship decisions and in the meanwhile handing pressure from family. Its is a toxic situation to be in.

Sometimes it is hard to understand what we want. But, I can see that you are a strong person.The very act that you are reaching out for help is great. You are aware of what you are going through.

I will add a few things that may help you:

It is unfortunate that your ex decided to break up with you after a long period of relationship. I can understand the repercussions it would have caused in your family with your single mother. However, I think as Anita mentioned, you need to let your mom know that you are suffering and she needs to stop pressuring you. And let her know that it will make only things worse. She might not understand this in one day. But, over time you will see a change when you are persistent. By following Anita’s advice of being firm and polite, I think you will do both and your mom good. Protect your emotional well-being, and your mothers too.

Secondly, with so much happening, please do not think you are a bad or a crazy person. You and your ex would have shared so much over 8 years. It is quite normal and natural that you feel strongly connected to your ex than your new boyfriend. It is like a when you place a dim light bulb near a bright light bulb, the dim light is not prominent visible anymore. It is quite natural that you feel disinterested now with (B) because you don’t feel that connection with him due to the coming back of your ex.  There is nothing to be ashamed of about this. Your feelings for (B) is not a lie. It is weaker probably because it is still in growing stages. Relationships take time to strengthen and build. Long distance with (B) would have made things more complicated. Relationships need proximity particularly when you are in an emotionally vulnerable state.

You must have gone through intense pain during the break up. Hence, I think you feel very anxious about reviving the relationship with your ex.

Regarding deciding, who to go with :- Why do you have to decide right away? I understand that getting to stable ground will solve all the problems with your mom, A, and B. But, when your mind is too agitated, it is hard to make a good decision, and more importantly to stick to it. Sometimes its extremely hard either to let go or to stay. I would recommend to make a decision when you are emotionally stable to accept the decision you make. It is OK to take time, and gain your strength back. Sometimes, it is OK to lay low until the storm passes.

My good wishes for you. Be kind to yourself as you are to others.

Stay strong!

-P