Dear espressopass:

“According to her it was selfish of me to even expect reciprocation”- what she said is illogical. Imagine a situation where she is hungry, so you buy vegetables with your own money, you make her soup, and you serve her that soup,  but when you are about to have some of it yourself, she disapproves and proclaims: you are selfish!

“I often visited her family and it doesn’t seem to me that the relationship she has with her parents is troubled.. her mom used to hit her a lot”- it troubled her a lot that her mother hit her a lot. That trouble is probably what fueled her fighting with her then boyfriend, getting ready to jump out of the third floor, etc.

“quite a close-knit family… her elder sister and brother were the favorite children”- that close-knit appearance is possible by her pretending that things are okay. But she is unable to pretend that things are okay in other contexts of her life. Lots of children and adult children are paying a high price for the pretending they do in their homes of origin.

She felt like the least favorite of her parents, so she wants to  be your most favorite. It’s common for a child experiencing a lack to want to over-compensate for it as an adult, to go to the other extreme: she felt like nothing in her home of origin->she wants to feel like everything with you.

Her mother complained to you about her daughter’s boyfriend, that he is “rude to her daughter, bad manners”- well she got her daughter used to rude behavior (hitting her a lot, which is definitely bad manners!)

If her boyfriend, now husband, is indeed rude and treats her badly, and she spends her money on him, chasing his love, then it may be a repeat of what she did with her mother all these years: chasing the love of a rude, abusive person.

“how do I look at this whole situation objectively? For example, if I feel like she has been taking advantage of my feelings and manipulating me, how  do I know for sure that this is the case and not just because I’m hurt?”-

– look at the soup example I gave you: you buy the ingredients using your money, you cook it on your stove, you serve her a bowl of soup, you are about to serve yourself a bowl of soup too, and she says: don’t do that! You are selfish!! And she says it with a disapproving, angry voice.

If this is the first time anything like that happens, you will say to yourself: she is crazy! I bought the ingredients, I am entitled to have a bowl of the soup I made! What is wrong with her???

But if this is not the first time; if it  happened repeatedly before, you are not shocked by her reaction, you are used to it and you already believe it is true.

Many, many people feel guilty for what they are not at all guilty of simply because they were repeatedly blamed, accused and otherwise told that they are guilty. No matter how illogical, when we feel something is true, we believe it is true.

“how do I keep this going, keep treating her life I would any of my coworkers.. What if she plays any mind games again? Because she knows exactly what buttons to push”- let’s look at how she pushes your buttons, taken from your original post. I will quote what she said to you (italicized)  followed by how you can respond to it:

“Whenever I went radio silent, she would send me a test saying ‘you changed‘”- you don’t change: every time I go silent with you, you tell me the same thing, that I changed.

“you are not as sincere as you said you are‘”- are you sincere? (if she says yes) then ask her what is it, sincerely, that she wants from you.

“stop saying you love me if your actions don’t reflect that way“- okay, I will never say that again.

“it seems like you are fine with not texting me, guess I will  do the same“- okay.

“You have no idea how to maintain a relationship and communicate with your partner“- sounds like you do have a good idea: you must have a good relationship with your husband then. Good for you!

anita