It’s ok to be where you are, just like a modified photo, there may be an image in the society of the ‘stepford person’ the one who is the ideal just out of grasp, emotionally perfect, but we aren’t built for that.

Feeling a lot may indicate a gifted sensitivity that has had to be blocked off into numbness as a defence mechanism, which is self-preservation, this is your gift, my friend.

Along with AA you may access other groups, this whole journey you have outlined, its a goldmine you’ve accumulated with very powerful potential to help others on a path like you

Be numb, be you, be a goth or melancholic, like Dante,  you’re diving in it to bring up pearls for others, you know a lot now because of the challenging path, you will make a lovely refuge for those struggling, you have profound expertise now, how will you use it, we are all broken somehow, our brains are made that way, you can be the gold that holds another broken plate together. Realise who you are and what you will achieve.