Dear Cass:

My new thoughts as I re-read your original post:

1. “I’ve been dating this incredible man for 3 months… He was not the same person I fell for”- it’s too soon, within 3 months, to know who he was before, and who he became later. I figure you fell in love with some things about him that you liked, but you couldn’t have gotten to know him thoroughly so quickly.

2. You are only 21- too early and too little experience in romantic relationships to form a conclusion that you are “‘Unlucky’ in love”.

3. It takes two emotionally healthy individuals to form a healthy love relationship. You may be emotionally healthy, but there are so many depressed and severely distressed people in the world (before and after the pandemic), that statistically, it is hard to come by a mentally healthy person.

4. I just read Valora’s May 1 post to you- excellent analysis and advice on her part, thorough and balanced, wow!

5. Think of a future love relationship (with this man or with someone you are yet to meet) as a Win-Win deal. It has to be a win for both parties. The goal is that each party to the relationship is part of the Solution for the other, not part of the Problem.

You help him, he helps you.

Let’s say you are back with this guy, take the time to get to know him better. Not from articles and books but directly from him. Find out his goals in the context of a love relationship and share your own, see if there is a fit. Talk about anything and everything.

When you see him depressed and withdrawn- give him alone time, let him be. Come back to him at a later time. Alone, he has the chance to recover from his latest low, but if you choose to talk to him when he is most low and withdrawn/ numb/ not responsive- he is likely to get overwhelmed and give up on the relationship altogether.

anita