Hello once again.

I … am … back.

And damn! What a change!

So, I do not know where to start. But! Things have moved a lot.

The confused love has ended. Confusion resulted in a mistake. I have done a horrible thing, and at that moment it all changed. I found out, that I have been doing this to myself for so long, that I have lost control over it. … And what have I done to myself? Well, I felt sorry for myself, but not for the eyes of others, but mainly for myself. Because the weight of life probably began to fall on me long before, and I was probably afraid (or I didn’t know how) to carry the burden of life. It’s not certain, that this is the main reason. But I know that it played a big role, and I felt horrible for doing so.

But! A few days later, I told myself that blaming and shaming myself won’t help. So, (and thank god for that) I started to sooth my mind, because that felt like the right thing to do. I started a routine of stretch and positive self-talk for an hour in the morning. And oh my … it helps a lot. Today I went to the psychiatrist for a new dose of medication. I am not sure if the improvement is due to the medication, or something else. But I do not care! The main thing is that I am starting to feel a lot better. Well not ”better”, but it is a lot easier to have (or to work forward to) a positive mindset than it has been in the past.

I am still tired. And it makes me laugh, how exhausting it is to feel happy. It sounds ridiculous. But right now happiness means a lot to me, so I am really grateful for every bit of laughter I can feel.

I am on a good track. This is the point, where it can go back downhill, or up. This is the breaking point.

In a weird way, I am grateful for this COVID-19 pandemic, because it gave me a lot of space and time to work on my mental health.

I hope you are doing great, and If not, I wish you the best!

Hope to see you next time! See ya. Bye!