Dear Anita

“And all along I was focused on her, feeling empathy for her and none for me, feeling and believing I was worthless and undeserving.” – I thought about what you said over the weekend.. its uncanny how your words echo what I went through and feeling now.

I used to hate making her angry. After a big fight, when we used to go into our respective rooms, I used to come back and knock on her door to see if there was any chance of a reconciliation before we slept. I did this because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the feeling of sadness that I hurt her. I cannot remember even once when she responded positively to that, sometimes, not even opening the door.

It was such an awful cycle of sadness and guilt. With her gone, I don’t miss that but as you said, I focused so much on her, trying to empathise with her, that I now feel empty, with no where to focus except my mind telling me that I probably wasn’t upto her standards.