Hi Anita, thank you again for taking the time and effort to share your thoughts about his. It’s really appreciated. You already provided a lot of new insight and it really helps me understand things better. It’s so helpful to hear someone else’s take on this. I notice that this situation consumes quite a bit of my attention because I can’t come to any ‘conclusion’ as to what to think, and I feel I can’t really shrug my shoulders and turn around since there’s a big element of being worried for someone’s wellbeing or safety.

As for your suggestion she might suffer from histrionic personality disorder; although she shows some of the characteristics, she definitely isn’t the type who likes to be the centre of attention. Nor would she show exhibitionistic or provocative behaviour or act theatrical. Quite the opposite actually. I would describe her more as shy, insecure, nervous, anxious, doubtful, a bit naif, sarcastic, definitely not seeking any spotlight. She’s beautiful but doesn’t see herself that way. I am by no means qualified to make any psychological diagnose, but for me she fits more in the borderline spectrum, minus the promiscuity and substance abuse. But the fear of abandonment, unstable emotions, mood swings, splitting black and white, low self esteem, insomnia, depression, yes they are there. I do know that BPD has a lot of overlap with complex PTSD and that actually feels very typical for her, considering her traumatised past (loss of one parent, abandoned by the other, loss of brother, chaotic lifestyle in different countries, history of abuse.)

I would like to add that she is 12 years younger than I am. She’s now in her mid 30s. I stayed friends with her, more like in a big brother kind of way. Someone she trusts and who knows her history and she can ask for advice. She doesn’t have a lot of close friends, and the few ones she has live abroad. We haven’t seen each other face to face in 8 years, all our contact is mostly text and the occasional phone call.

Maybe it helps to give a but more detail how and why I am worried / confused about her situation.

So 5 years ago she lives in a small town, he lives in a village close to that small town. They get into a relationship, he moves in with her. They live together for two years. Her big wish is to marry and have kids. He wants her to move to his village, where all his relatives live, so they can have a nice big house and start their own family. She however wants to live in the big city. (And knowing her, I agree with she’s more of a city girl and I always thought that little town was too small for her) They fight about how they see things so differently and “other things aren’t great between them either” (her words) so she breaks up with him and moves to a tiny apartment in the big city (which is 5 hour drive away). According to her he then convinces himself it could be ok in the big city then, after he realised she wasn’t coming back, nor was she going to live in his village. She says he kinda accepts the new reality but she can see he’s hoping one day she would change her mind.

Then after a few months she starts complaining that he’s not really moving in with her, only stays with her half of the week sometimes (understandable I think as his job is still in his village 5 hours from the city) and that when they are together they argue a lot and he stopped showing her affection (no sex anymore), despite him saying he still loves her. That this behaviour is making her feel rejected, insecure. That she feels like the last woman in the world, absolutely unattractive, and she blames herself for it. That he sometimes stays in a hotel because they argue too much and she refuses to stay with him. That It’ll take time to feel differently and she’s now so insecure it even changed the way she keeps herself with other people. That she generally tends to criticise herself a lot and with others people help, people that mean something to her, it’s really like 1,2,3 to destroy her self esteem. That it’s really hard to rebuild anything and everything else wasn’t that great at times too, so for her it’s over no matter how hard he tries. That they live like brother and sister, but he won’t let her go. That she calls him her ex, he keeps calling her his girlfriend. That they just can’t stay together, she’s constantly mad with him and maybe it’s her who’s a problem.

Now this is the point where I’m getting a bit of a stalky feeling with this guy. Especially in combination with her saying he’s making her feel insecure and destroying her self esteem?

They continue for another year like this, probably on again/ off again style. This is where she starts to sometimes hint at us meeting again or she starts flirting a bit. Reminiscing our good times way back and she could use some ‘me time /fun time’ and have a fun weekend together somewhere. Twice I said ‘ok let’s do that’ but as always that conversation wouldn’t go anywhere because in the end she’d still be back with him.

Until, like I said, recently she tells me it’s really over now and she actually started dating other guys again. That she finally told him it just really wasn’t going to happen between them, whatever they had planned in their future together. She seemed relieved. Of course she also threw in another ‘hey we should go somewhere nice for a weekend’. But before that even takes any shape, here come the stories about the ex again:

– that he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she’s at work to ‘check if there’s still pictures of them’ and he would leave her a written message how much he loves her.
– that he sent her flowers
– that he took her to the airport
– that his mother is ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it.
– that she feels she can’t be bitchy to him after all he did for her.
– that she feels ‘afraid’ to slip back into the relationship again, because this is how it always goes: he just keeps acting like they are still together
– that he asked her to stay with her in her house for one month because of a job in her city and that she feels like she can’t refuse it because he still pays part of her rent.

I call her naif that she’s letting all this happen. And if she really wants it to be over she should at least ask her keys back? And maybe not let him move in again because of some BS excuse of a new job? I ask her if she really doesn’t see how he is weaselling his way back to her? But she doesn’t really respond and it even almost feels like she understands him, because that’s how it always goes. Like it’s almost cute what he does.

Now.. what am I witnessing here? A cunning woman playing a minstrel in distress? Or a traumatised girl fallen victim to another manipulative / narcissistic abuser who can’t take no for an answer and beats her up and then love-bombs his way back over and over again?

Did they ever actually really break up at all? Or did that only happen inside her head, was she just saying that to her friends, and for him they are still together all this time? Would she make up his manipulative actions so it would justify her going back (to the outside world), while in fact they were still together all the time? To not have to admit that they never actually broke up?

After 3 years of watching her going through the same cycle again and again I’m starting to get worried and curious how others would read this.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to reply.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Jason.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Jason.