oh the rollercoaster of dating!! Buckle up @genie and @michelle

So we met up last night and things went well. After 8 weeks of not having face to face interaction with anyone but my two flatmates I was more than a bit shellshocked. But I warmed up soon enough and we had a nice dinner and then went back to my place to watch a movie as planned. It was a bit awkward at first, as these first times are, but soon enough we ended up holding hands and then cuddling and I felt so nice and warm and fuzzy. Then the movie ended and the credits rolled and she repositioned herself to kiss me and all my fantasies were becoming reality. Things carried on for quite awhile; we were clearly both into it, off came clothes and well, things got a bit more physical than I expected even. Then we just lay together for for awhile, in the glow, you know the one. And then she left because she had to drive home and while part of me wanted her to stay I reassured myself that there was plenty of time for that. She thanked me for a lovely night and said she’d had a good time; I agreed. She messaged me a funny picture, sort of an inside joke, when she got home and I responded about it in relation our next date and she agreed.  I fell asleep feeling great, excited to explore things more now we could meet regularly.

this morning I woke up feeling very anxious as I usually do after dates, and especially this time as things had obviously escalated way beyond what they had before. I resisted texting her immediately and zoomed with an overseas friend. Then I found that she had left something behind so I took a photo and sent a jokey text. She responded straight away and we had a few texts back and forth, but she seemed less enthusiastic than me in tone which worried me. I wanted to seek reassurance that she’d found things ok and apologise for potentiality being a bit hesitant physically and explain there was a lot to process going from 8 weeks of no contact to a lot of physical contact. But I reminded myself that that strategy doesn’t work and to just try and sit with it and trust she meant what she said.

Then I got a text a few hours later and I knew seeing the length in the preview that it was a rejection text. She basically said that while she’s so glad we got to meet and that I’m x y and z good quality being with me made her realise she’s not over her last relationship and didn’t want to string me along, but would love to be friends. Oh that familiar sting of rejection!!! I spent a few minutes thinking about a response and essentially thanked her for her honesty but also said that I had gotten my hopes up and wasn’t sure I was up for friendship before I worked through my feelings. I also asked if I could have done anything differently. We ended up having a really nice, but sad, “it’s not you it’s me” exchange. I told her that while it will hurt because she has become a comforting part of my life I needed to cut contact for awhile (learning!) and would be in touch in a few weeks to see where I was at in terms of being friends. She said she would miss my messages too but would be here when I was ready.

And then I reached out to the one friend who knew the most about it and cried and cried, reaches out to more friends, and cried some more! And here I am, lying in bed lamenting that we were here together just last night and cursing being in this situation again. Do I think she was someone I would have been with forever? No, but the loss of potential is sad all the same. We had started making plans; she had invited me to a birthday party she was planning to have in a month with close friends and family. I don’t doubt she had feelings for me, but I guess felt she couldn’t commit to it fully. The fact I couldn’t have done anything differently both heartens and saddens me, because it illustrates perfectly how things are often not in our control – timing, where other people are at, and so on, and that’s hard.

So anyway, no doubt I’ll be sad for awhile. And who knows what our relationship will be in future, but I have learned that only time brings clarity and for now I have to just take care of myself. This whole experience did teach me that I for one am 100% over my ex which is great progress in itself, and I wish the same for her because it’s awful pining over something in the past while letting new possibilities I.e. a relationship with me pass you by. I do feel a whole lot stronger this time and I know I will be ok – obviously things didn’t progress to the same extent as they did last time, so it’s not heartbreak just bitter disappointment! I am proud that I put myself out there again and proud I have chosen a decisive course of action and set firm boundaries from the start. I have definitely learned a lot- just have to trust that one day the timing is right. But for tonight and maybe a few after that, I’ll let myself cry about it!!!

Thanks for reading. Love to you both.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Adelaide1.