Dear gamer:

To clarify to myself: when you refer to no contact you mean the following: “No texting, no phone calls but simply check-ins through social media application” (your words earlier in your thread).

You’ve been upset with this relationship situation for too long, every day. Having the time I decided to re-read and study all your posts so far, five pages, starting May 3, and see what I can figure out.

The two of you are 20. He is currently working on a new business that he recently started, a business that involves a lot of physical labor, “he’s constantly overworking himself and being tired because of this new business”, and he is attending school (physically or online), preparing for examinations, and lives with his mother with whom he has  a lifetime  troubled relationship (“he had childhood trauma and paranoia as well as anxiety.. he deals with it everyday, with his mom and is always paranoid and high sprung all the time because of her”) .

We didn’t talk about your life circumstances, but seems to me that you are living with your family (“there was a family issue I had to deal with at home”, “I am trying to distract myself by spending time with my family and sitting with them”). You are alone most of the time while at home (“I’m usually alone in my house”). You have a few friends that you don’t consider  close (“I do have some friends but I don’t consider them close”), and one “really good friend”. I don’t think that you are employed and you mentioned nothing about being a student. You wrote: “I just feel so alone so that’s why I worry and get anxious”. You also mentioned a counselor: “I was talking to my counselor, and she said to do what my heart says”.

The relationship between the two of you started when you were both 18, a year and 8 months ago. He’s been your first boyfriend: “He was my first everything, my first love and he met my friends and family”, “We fell madly in love and have the same goals, aspirations and values”. At the beginning of the relationship, “he put so much effort in. He made me feel so loved and valued, I was so, so happy. Beyond happy”. There has been a quarantine related break from about mid Feb to May 8, the date you saw him in person for an hour, and there was a later date when you met in person a second time.

May 3 you wrote  that you “fought back and forth for hours… All our past fights and disagreements, we decided to stick things through and work through it together but this time, it’s completely different and that’s what I’m afraid of, that I’ll lose him”.

Next, I am quoting from you what you reported that he told you. I am the one adding the italic feature plus the dates. I tried to put the quotes in the accurate order of time but I am sure not all is  in accurate order. Before some of the quotes I placed a date in parentheses:

(May 5) he told me I looked so beautiful and that he couldn’t believe I was his.. after this outbreak is over, he can’t wait to see me… “He says he can’t open up to me .. bc he believes I will react a certain way.. he says that he believes we are always at odds against each other and as much as we try to fix things, things keep repeating from the past… he said he wants things to work too but he just needs time to think.. He said he felt that he was in the middle. On one end he wants to end things and the other end he wants to stay together and fix things.. The day we fought, earlier he told me he loved me so much and that he misses me. Now he’s in the middle of making a decision that can either let us be together or not.. after our fight happened, he finally tells me that he is anxious with me… he said he could not think properly and that is why he’s stuck… he said he loves me very much but was unsure about us moving forward and that his decision was 50-50… that he misses me but doesn’t know what to do.. saying he doesn’t know if he wants for us to be happy or for us to end on good terms… He said he was leaning more towards trying to make things work… he double messages saying: he doesn’t like being like this, that he would like to fix things, and that is his decision… (after you “didn’t talk to him the rest of the day, ignored his texts) “He apologized for all that he had done, what he had said and told me he was frustrated the day he asked me for space. He was frustrated with life and himself and he was overthinking and being anxious about us and that’s why he said it.. He apologized even more and asked if there was anything he can do to help me feel okay… He said he was thinking of me and he wants to be with me and enjoy life together.. He said he would do anything to make me happy and that he wanted to fix all  of this mess he caused. He apologized again for wasting my time and energy, for hurting my feelings and for doing this all to me… He said it was wrong of him to get frustrated and he needed to control his reactions and anger..  he said that was something he needs to work on… He said he made up his mind and his decision was to be with me and he will work out our issues and become happy… (May 8:) He.. reassured me that he loves me very much and wants to be with me and constantly thinks about me and us being back together (May 10:) He wanted us to have an amazing summer, use this summer to work  together to improve ourselves with each other… (May 13:) He asked me if he could  drop off flowers and ice cream… (May 14 or 15:) He texted me ‘I wish u were here in the car with me’ (May 15:) He stated that he felt so distant from me.. He always thought I was complaining every time I mentioned what was wrong and the complaints were every other day. Because of that, he was anxious and worried every time he would call or text because he thought I’d list out complaints and blame him and that drove him away. He even told me he was so worried that I was unhappy and because of that he just kept blaming himself for it all.. he said he really wanted me to be his partner but he was just always worried and anxious with me. (May 17) He ended things with me. He said he wants to take time to himself to figure things out and he cannot see us being happy right now. He said it was a hard decision to make and he said he still loves me very much and cares for me.. he believes that this is needed and that maybe in the future, if our time comes, we can be together… He said this was unhealthy and that we can’t move forward with this as much as he wants to.. He said to take the summer to  ourselves to figure things out. He still wanted to be able to contact me and talk to me, while on this big break… I feel scared and can’t get over that… I’m truly conflicted cause I will always love you but I hate having to feel pressure of you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not.. it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you.. I want to be with you so badly I just don’t know how to make things work because of what we’ve been through… ur completely right and not getting ur hopes up… We just need some space between us for some time to restore our self love, happiness and discipline.. You can give me a call anytime… ( (May 20) He kept saying sorry, for all the wrong things he’s done, all the mistakes he made and everything he has done to hurt me. He said he realized how draining and toxic he can be .. and taking it out on me, affecting me, and bringing me down with him.. He said he wants to be better for me.. He stated that he is messed  up  in the head and he needs to sort that out and that day by day, he will work on it… He kept telling me ‘You don’t deserve any of this, you deserve better'”

And now my input following 18 days of our communication on this thread and today’s study:

1. Looks like he is way, way busier than you are: he started a new business that involves physical labor, he is a student studying for exams and is living with his family, including his mother with whom he has had a very troubled relationship. Living with her causes him much anxiety and distress. You on the other hand have a whole lot of time on your hands, a whole lot of time that you spend focusing on him. Seems like you don’t have a close relationship with your parents, you have only one good friend,  and you spend a lot of time physically and emotionally alone. He is busy and troubled, and you are troubled with a lot of available time with nothing much to do and no one there with you.

2. Considering his motivations: you mentioned nothing on the matter, but I wonder if financial motives may be part of his interest in you, if your family is well off and that’s a draw for him (?)

I am also wondering about sex as a motivation, something you didn’t mention. I don’t want details on the matter, not at all. What I am wondering about is sex in regard to his motivation: it was part of your relationship for a year and a half but there has been no sexual activity in any way between the two of you since Feb this year (?)

Still, in regard to his motivation: you mentioned that he met your family, and that he recently talked to your brother- I wonder about the nature of his contacts with his family, if the nature and future of the relationship between the two was discussed between him and your family and between his family and your family (?)

3. It is still my understanding and you validated it, that you have been argumentative, impulsive,  impatient and selfish with him (“You are right. I am argumentative, wanting things, impulsive and impatient as well. I look for my own needs before anyone”).

I can clearly see that his strong inclination is to blame himself for whatever you are unhappy about, and your strong inclination is.. to blame him for whatever you are unhappy about, so the two of you are blaming him. He has the tendency to look into himself and figure out what he is doing wrong, and you have the tendency to not look into yourself for what you may be doing wrong, and instead look at him for what he is doing wrong.

4. You keep stating that you love him, but I don’t know if you are aware of how angry you are with him. Every time he told you that he made the decision to resume the relationship with you, your reaction was angry: arguing with him and/ or ignoring his texts. So at this point, in your mind, he has to prove to you over time that he is serious about you, show you, not just tell you. I understand your logic here, but what I am saying is that you carry a lot of anger against him for a long time, and this anger has to be addressed and resolved somehow.

5. If he doesn’t have any dishonest motivations in regard to you (#2 above), then he is very much emotionally attached to you but understandably, because of your attitude (#3 above), his anxiety has been increased as a result of  you being in his life. Because of this reason, if he was an emotionally healthy young man, he would have ended the relationship with you long ago. But he is stuck in the middle for so long because he is emotionally unwell, suffering from unjustified guilt and self blame.

6. You treated me respectfully and pleasantly throughout your thread, so I have no  complaints. But I don’t think you treated him respectfully or pleasantly for the longest time. Because of your treatment of him I figure you are not necessarily emotionally healthier than him, but instead, unlike him who is focused inward, looking for his faults and what he did wrong, you focus outward, looking for.. his faults and what he did wrong.

That’s all I have for now. It took me hours to put this post together. If you choose to respond to it, please don’t rush doing so, take your time and respond to this post thoughtfully and thoroughly.

anita