Dear anita,

Yes it is nice being validated.

It is exactly the case you mentioned. I “hear” my words being misunderstood and me being accused on the most random things I do. More than half of the time I imagine the things before hand; what are the all possible ways of my words or actions getting twisted enough in others’ eyes to be taken or misunderstood as bad/evil. It has really become a sub-conscious thing now, and I realize it AFTER I’m done accusing my own self and overthinking a little action of mine. But most of the times I don’t have the ability to distinguish, if my word, or action really hurt or affected the other party negatively or is it totally an irrational critic inside of me speaking. And as long as I remember I’ve dealt with this for a long long time. Ever since as a child I guess. What I called it in mind was “Dealing with the problems of justifiability of my morality”. I can’t justify what was moral or immoral, even though the intention was sincere, did the person get hurt, or discouraged or anything? This keeps me thinking A LOT.

Maybe it has to do with my parents’ arguments where at this point they ask their children to “pick a side” in the end, and you’d usually go with “both”, or try to come up with something to tell them sincerely that it is not that they think both of the parents are wrong or bad or unwanted in children’s eyes, but they misunderstand you. I’ve experienced this as a teenager too, when my calls and fights with me on the phone just to vent out his resentment towards mum. In his random outbursts, I’ve learned to stay silent now. Because if I reply with anything, even if it has a nice intention, he uses it against me to tell me that I support my mum AGAINST HIM. And my brain equals that out-of-blue argument to maybe I’m a bad person.

I have this fear too. Of losing someone if my actions or words are reached out too late. Or if they’re even at slightest the wrong. If what I said or did made them lose something (emotionally or physically), I’m the worst person alive. It is apparent that this deep rooted fear is from watching my mum attempt to take her life away. That fears me so much, still. I’ve lived with these thoughts like that since I was that 6-year old child.

When I get anxious on repetitive thoughts like the replies I made to my friend, I keep hanging on to a guilt of what I said (past), and fear of something that might happen (future). I mentioned past and future, because it really highlights my brain is hanging onto anything but the present.

Shortly, what I think is: the guilt, and judging myself repeatedly comes from my parents’ arguments, and the way my mum accused me for incest so quickly, so as a protective mechanism maybe I judge myself too quickly before anyone could. And the anxiousness comes from the fear of witnessing a loss again. I might be wrong

Regards,

Javairia