Dear Javairia:

“if I reply with anything, even if it has a nice intention, he uses it against me to tell me that I support my mum AGAINST HIM. And my brain equals that out-of-blue argument to maybe I’m a bad person”- your father was angry at your mother, you tried to help him (having the best intention: wanting to help him!), and he responded by accusing you of going against him (accusing you of having a bad intention: to hurt him!).

When that happens, a child gets confused: on one hand you know you had a good intention, on the other hand, a child naturally believes the parent. It creates confusion and self doubt. You suspect that you are a bad person because …  only a bad person will want to hurt her father! And then you think: but I didn’t try to hurt him! And (his) voice says: yes, you did!

“I have this fear.. Of losing someone if my actions or words are reached out too late. Or if they’re even at the slightest the wrong.. It is apparent that this deep rooted fear is from watching my mum attempt to take her life away.. since I was that 6- year old child”-

– when your father reacted to words you said with an outburst of anger, that gave you the impression that your words are very powerful. But it was not your words that were powerful- it was his anger that was powerful, and his anger preceded your words and used your words as fuel, like fire uses wood as fuel, to get stronger!

Watching your mother attempt suicide when you were six: did she talk to you at that time, telling you what she was doing.. what did you see her do and what did you hear her say?  (Answer only if you feel comfortable answering. I am okay if you choose to not answer).

anita