Dear Janus (Post #1):

I will reply to your most recent post later (in Post #3). I spent hours this morning going over your posts from Dec 30, 2015 to  Sept 5, 2016 (the day before you started college). This post #1 will include quotes from what you shared when you were a 12th grade high school student to  few days before you started college (pages 1-40 of your thread). Post #2 will include quotes from what you shared on your first day in college to today (pages 40-85 of your thread). Post #3 will be my input on posts 1 and 2. Please wait until I complete the three posts before you reply, and give yourself time to read and absorb what’s to follow before you reply. I will submit all three posts by tomorrow. (I capitalized letters such as i changed to I for easier reading and I italicized the titles you poems you wrote):

Dec 30, 2015: “I was bullied in seventh and eighth grade.. This lowered my self-esteem and made me adopt some negative views about myself such as that I am not athletic, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not healthy enough and especially that my weight is too much… I worry about my weight (I am 5′ 5” at 120 lb.).. I would try to workout for 30-60 minutes and eat less, but the diet I was on made me irritated because I wasn’t getting enough nutrients…I feel like I’m just drifting through life, as if I’m looking through a glass, not really here. I feel detached from myself and the world and sometimes feel numb.

Jan 18, 2016: in sixth grade, I was bullied because I was very tomboyish .. I am currently 17.

Jan 20: I think the underlying factors behind the stress I have are the idea that I want to be toned and 113 pounds..my parents are very hard on me to do well in school.. I am currently afraid that I might not make the grade curve to get into Rowan or Rutgers.

Jan 22: If you have any ideas on how to remain calm when parents criticize you or when they yell that you’re not good enough or complain about their life and how stressed they are and how you don’t know how to survive in life, please give me some advice.

Jan 29-30: my three best friends, all guys.. when we hang out, we mostly play sports.

Feb 6: Looking into the Mirror.. looking at me, Sometimes I see a pretty reflection, sometimes I see myself worn by time, Looking into the mirror, I ask myself “Am I really me? Is this who I’m supposed to be?” .. looking at myself trying to find out who I really am, Is this the true me.. Or is it the me that’s been shaped by the world?.. Looking in the mirror, I try to see myself in the future, Sometimes my reflection looks haggard and ugly, at other times confident and self-assured, I don’t know what to believe.. The world shaping who I am.

Feb 7: It is hard trying to find my path in life since I have so many interests especially in science. yet, I am leaning strongly toward gene therapy and going to Rutgers or Rowan.

Feb 8: I am currently 117 pounds with a height of 5′ 5”.

Feb 13: I feel like I have so many desires on changing who I am, I see so many inadequacies in myself.. I have been busy toning my body and I am limiting junk food like cookies.. I haven’t eaten fast food or pizza for two years and also haven’t drank soda or eaten chips in three years… I haven’t had a donut in 6 months.. I haven’t eaten a bagel (200 calories)in since months… I am currently 115 pounds and 5’ 5”… If I do eat something unhealthy even if it is very moderate, I always have a workout to cut the calories.

Feb 16: I am nervous because I kept a tally of how many calories of junk food I ate for five days (starting from Feb. 12) to today and it turns out they added to around 400, so 80 calories each day. For Monday, I ate a cinnamon cookie.. I think i am going to hold off from eating anything unhealthy for the next three weeks. On the positive side, most of my main meals have been whole grain bread and brown rice with kale, carrots and seafood.

Feb 26: I’m trying to be healthy in my circulation and also in my eyesight (I’ve made some progress in my eyesight and experience less eyestrain). He continues to be encouraging and tells me that he knows I am and can be healthy.

March 4: He decided to race me since he knew I did track and it was fun, we were both laughing after running 1 mile.. My hair had fallen loose while we had been running, but it didn’t matter, it was the sheer freedom of running of pushing yourself forward that made me smile and also being with him was great… My hair was a bit messy blowing in the breeze and my sweatshirt was disheveled from running, but I was happier than I had been moments ago. Anyway, my special friend whipped out his cellphone and said “Let’s capture this special moment that we shared. I want to remember being with you.” It was so sweet what he said, but I was afraid that my hair and sweatshirt were messy, so I told him to wait before he took the picture. Anyway, while I was trying to fix my hair, the wind blew again so I just left my hair down blowing freely, when he showed me the picture I winced at the way my hair was flying around and it seemed messy, but he said that I looked beautiful and the loose hair in the wind made me seem like a free spirit which made me laugh.

March 11: The track workout I did yesterday was fun and it was 2 laps around track (800 m, 15 minutes); throwing 1 kg discus (25 minutes); Squats with 10 lb. weights (4X8, 8,6,6); chest flies.. Incline Press… For core, I did 25 Russian twists with 8lb medicine ball (these are hard); 25 crunches; 25 leg lifts…I always enjoy being an independent person and playing sports with guys, but I’ve never really contemplated having a relationship with anyone.

April 8: Every time I see someone else who seems better than me athletically and intelligently, I wish I were them. Andrew seems so much smarter than I am.. I feel so inadequate.

May 20: I worry about my weight and I have been experiencing what seems to be like ‘gender disillusionment’ in which I worry about not being a good enough athlete since I’m a girl. My parents are quite patriarchal and it can be hard when I share the value that men and women are equal and should respect each other. there are times when I wonder if my guy friends think less of me b/c I’m a girl and I begin to think I’m not as a good of athlete.

May 23: I have doubts about myself b/c of negative criticism from others and there are times when I feel that i am overweight even though I am 5′ 5” and 113 lbs. there are some athletes at my school that they think they are so great and they make fun of others who aren’t as good as them and they have such patriarchal views that it makes me annoyed.

May 25- 27: I also managed to bench press 50 pounds and also do 5 pull-ups.. I can run 10 miles in 50 minutes.

June 4: I have often heard other teachers compare their students to Dave and Andrew and how studious they are. For every accomplishment I make, Dave and Andrew always seem 5 steps ahead… I feel like Andrew doesn’t appreciate me for the talents I have, and he competes with me making me also be more competitive and change parts of myself to keep up.

June 13:  I ate three shortbread hazel balls, one small slice of pizza and half a cup of soda; I am a bit irritated b/c I didn’t go to the gym on Friday or Sunday, but I did do a three mile run on Saturday in 10 minutes which burned 200 calories. Also on Monday, I ate a chocolate chip cookie, molasses cookie with chocolate fudge and a fudge graham cracker brownie. I know that I should have fun at parties at times and eating unhealthy food only a few times is okay, but I seem to be a bit annoyed still. After the parties, I often go out for a run or workout at the gym and I end up eating more fruits and vegetables and counting the calories I ate so I don’t go overboard. If it were me, I would love to avoid every party I get invited to so I can eat all healthy all the time. Also I realize that my height 5′ 5” and I have become 120 instead of 118, but most of the time I know after working out I will lose the weight, but I’m still very insecure. Oftentimes whenever I am sitting, I want to be up and working out b/c I feel as if the calories are adding up.

July 7: I’m still the ambitious, reserved and serious girl that wants people to know her more as the intelligent and determined person. In that way I’m like the song “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson. I am self-sufficient and I think I guard my heart much like the lyrics “Little Miss Independent. Little Miss Self-sufficient. Little Miss Unafraid. Little miss on her own. Keeping her heart protected she’ll never ever feel rejected.” .. In the song “Little Miss Independence walked away, no time for love that came her way. She looked into the mirror and thought today, What happened to Miss no longer afraid?” I think it will take time for me to appreciate myself and convince myself I am already perfect instead of constantly thinking of the ways I can change.

July14: I realize there is still an inner bully within that keeps telling me to be the most perfect I can be, to be the most athletic, the smartest and then I may be able to please even those who dislike me. this inner bully makes me irritated at myself.

July 18-19: I realize that even though I am still a little jealous of Andrew, I am also just as smart as he is and we share a lot of the same interests in science.. My inner bully has diminished and I am confident with my appearance, but my inner bully likes to sneak up when I’m working on an a science experiment or when I’m resting. The inner bully creeps in and says “you will never be a good scientist as Andrew. why even try?

July 20: Never Enough (mistakes you always see) Everything I do, it is never good enough to you, You see my mistakes more than my accomplishments, Every step I take is another mistake to you, In your eyes, I never added up to my oldest sibling, You judged me for my grades, You judged me for my fears, All this judging has made me the way I am…I ask myself “How can I ever be good enough?”

July 21:  I read an article about a psychologist who helps people deal with body images. She especially deals with those who have anorexia.

July 25: My inner bully annoys me when it tells me that I don’t work out well enough or that I need to change some parts of myself to make others like me.

July 27: Inner bully.. usually it nags me about my bodily appearance, my athletic skills or my intelligence.

Aug 7:  I have become more confident of my body and I realize that I was always perfect the way I was, I just worried a lot about my weight and it just brought more negative views, but I’m more confident now. I am reading a book called “From Panic to Power” by Linda Bassett and it has helped me. in her book she describes her social anxiety of being judged by people.

Aug 12:  I think most of my career is headed in the medical field b/c I have a lot of information in my mind about human and animal systems. I want to be a molecular biologist and study how to help people prevent diseases such as cancer.

Aug 16: I had a dream last night that I was walking along a bridge through a forest being guided by a wise old man in a blue robe.. he lead me to a camping site near a mountain where people were building fires.. upon arrival, the people looked up and I heard a voice say “you have brought her to the right place. Here she will find her place to heal and be herself.

Aug 19:  I am waiting to consult with my guidance counselor to help me with the process. Ocean County College is 2 years and then Rutgers university is 4 years for masters (if I can transfer my credits..). I am interested in going for the cancer research program at Rutgers and taking a course in biology at OCC. I will probably continue for a PhD at Rutgers or maybe go to Stockton university… I also bench pressed to help my triceps and also did push-ups. I also tightened my abs.

Aug 27:  I learned not to be so self-conscious of myself from Portia de Rossi’s book called “Unbearable Loss and Gain” which is the true story of an actress who struggles with her body and ends up accepting herself. Portia talks about how.. she was a size eight and her stomach was too big and also her thighs. At 5′ 7” inches and 130.. she began to lower her calorie intake to 800, to 400 and finally 300..Like Portia, I like acting and I don’t like being a model at all.

Aug 31:  I remember one of the quotes from The Bell Jar ..When Sylvia says this “Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me, Searching my reaches for what she really is. Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.” I feel she is looking into herself, looking at her reflection and searching for her true self.

Sept 1: I have wanted to be athletic since seventh grade when I was bullied for athleticism, but once I achieved it, I still didn’t think I was perfect b/c I wanted to be smarter.. We can’t keep changing ourselves for the better when we feel insecure on the inside.. I want to find a way to live happily on the inside, then when I feel happy on the inside I can reflect it on the outside.

Sept 2, 2016:  My parents’ judgmental views get on my nerves a lot of the time. I have a few friends who are bisexual, gay and transgender. Here are the reasons I don’t get along with my family: both of my parents and brother don’t like LGBT people…They are very patriarchal and think that girls can’t be scientists or shouldn’t bench press or do pull-ups. I am the polar opposite of my mom who likes shopping for clothes, fashion, jewelry and flowers. I rather wear shorts and a t-shirt as opposed to a skirt and I enjoy keeping my hair short b/c when I do science labs long hair is a hazard and also so it doesn’t blow in my face when I’m working out. They criticize me and say I have no life skills and I’m nothing compared to my brother.”

anita

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