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Dear Janus (Post #3):

My hope in posting these three long posts for you, posts that are almost entirely quotes from what you shared over the past 4.5 years, is that you will save these posts for your records and offer them to a medical professional who will be able to offer you the help that you need. Your posts on your thread of 4.5 years, starting Dec 2015, is a valuable source for a medical professional to have so to evaluate you and construct a treatment plan for you.

Your posts in these 85 pages are often very long and include lots of accounts of books you read and academic studies. In my three posts to you, I am trying to present your words, quotes from what you shared, in a way that will be easier for you and for a professional to read and to learn from.

In this post, I will further extract quotes from what you shared over time and at the end of this  post, I will offer you  my thoughts on your disordered eating and over-exercising only. I will not offer you my thoughts on your gender identity.

On Feb 6, 2016, at 17 years old,  you posted a poem you wrote sometime earlier: “Looking into the Mirror.. looking at me, Sometimes I see a pretty reflection, sometimes I see myself worn by time, Looking into the mirror, I ask myself “Am I really me? Is this who I’m supposed to be?” .. looking at myself trying to find out who I really am, Is this the true me.. Or is it the me that’s been shaped by the world?.. Looking in the mirror, I try to see myself in the future, Sometimes my reflection looks haggard and ugly, at other times confident and self-assured, I don’t know what to believe.. The world shaping who I am”.

You shared that your parents favored your brother, a boy, and communicated to you that you are worth less because you are a girl, saying to you that girls aren’t smart nor are they athletic, suggested therefore that you are inadequate. So, you tried hard to be these two things: smart and athletic. You studied hard and you exercised hard for many years, including the 4.5 years of you posting here on your thread.

In 2016, at 17 going on 18, you viewed yourself as a an ambitious, reserved, serious, intelligent, determined, independent and strong girl, and a feminist. You were resolved to not accommodate societal gender roles and stereotypes: “I’m still the ambitious, reserved and serious girl that wants people to know her more as the intelligent and determined person. In that way I’m like the song ‘Miss Independent’” (July 7, 2016).   “Society should be celebrating the strong, independent women who can play sports, withstand injuries as a symbol of feminism.. Just b/c a girl wears shorts and cuts her hair short doesn’t mean she is trying to be a male, it means she is having her own terms of free expression.. Women in our society are not powerless and should be allowed to play sports, dress in shorts and wear their hair short…I don’t get along with my parents, they think women who play sports, wear shorts are too much like a guy” (Sept 11, 2016) “I hate gender roles that girls have to be princesses and damsels in distress or not sports types b/c I’m not like that” (Oct 22, 2016).

From the beginning of your thread, you shared about your disordered eating (restricting on one hand, which you referred to as anorexia, and overeating on the other) and compulsive, over exercising (ex.: “Oftentimes whenever I am sitting, I want to be up and working out b/c I feel as if the calories are adding up”, June 13, 2016).

In 2016, You identified yourself as a girl who is “the polar opposite of my mom who likes shopping for clothes, fashion, jewelry and flowers. I rather wear shorts and a t-shirt as opposed to a skirt and I enjoy keeping my hair short b/c when I do science labs long hair is a hazard” (Sept 2, 2016). You liked sports and science and preferred the company of boys over the company of girls: “I have a lot of guy friends from sports and I’m around guys a lot” (Oct 19, 2016).

In March 4, 2016 you described an experience you had with a boy you liked: “We decided to race.. My hair had fallen loose while we had been running.. My hair was a bit messy blowing in the breeze and my sweatshirt was disheveled from running.. he said that I looked beautiful and the loose hair in the wind made me seem like a free spirit”.

You chose to read about women because you identified yourself as a  woman: “I learned .. from Portia de Rossi’s book.. the true story of an actress who struggles with her body and ends up accepting herself..  Like Portia, I like acting” (Aug 27, 2016).

Your parents clearly expressed favoritism toward your brother, and you took in the belief that intelligence and athleticism are male characteristics: “both of my parents.. are very patriarchal and think that girls can’t be scientists or shouldn’t bench press or do pull-ups.. They criticize me and say I have no life skills and I’m nothing compared to my brother.” (Sept 2, 2016). “My parents.. they are very patriarchal and no matter how much I work out, do well in school, they focus more on my brother and praise him more” (Oct 10, 2016) . You were worried about not being athletic enough or smart enough because you were a girl: “Every time I see someone else who seems better than me athletically and intelligently, I wish I were them. Andrew seems so much smarter than I am. I feel so inadequate”(April 8, 2016), and “I worry about not being a good enough athlete since I’m a girl” (May 20, 2016).

You were very motivated and tried very hard to be athletic and smart, to be fit and appear fit (ex.: “I also bench pressed to help my triceps and also did push-ups. I also tightened my abs”, Aug 19, 2016), spending lots of time exercising and studying: “there is still an inner bully within that keeps telling me to be the most perfect I can be, to be the most athletic, the smartest and then I maybe able to please even those who dislike me” (July 14, 2016), and “The inner bully creeps in and says ‘you will never be a good scientist as Andrew. why even try?’” (July 19, 2016).

Oct 19, 2016: “I’m more than just on the surface, that my soul is genderless, neither male or female. I feel as if I can connect to both sides.”

Nov 27, 2016:  “My inner bully will say “look at all these people, they are all saying you are worthless, you are weak as a girl. why don’t you change?”

Jan 12, 2017:” I feel like I don’t want to be a girl if they see it as weak and only guys work out and play competitive sports, but I don’t want to be a guy either. I’ve lost my sense of gender.”

Jan 17, 2017: “There are two sides of me warring with each other, one side that wants to follow the labels and another side that wants to break free and live as my soul”.

A year after the above post, Jan 12, 2018 :”Lately, I’ve been feeling detached from myself and identifying as more masculine to give me strength and it feels like that part of me has taken over and I’m unsure of who my real self is anymore. How do I explain to my parents that I want to express myself the way I want even with their criticisms?.. The LGBT community is helping me be more confident with who I am”.

March 31, 2018: “The LGBT community at my college plays a big role in my life and I feel like I’ve found acceptance there.. I have also begun to make peace with myself and have gone to a therapist who has helped me understand my gender identity.. I’ve been bringing home resources from the pride group at my college and the LGBT community and sharing them with my parents explaining to them how these things and people play a part in my life and have helped me in discovering who I am”.

April 16, 2018: “Ocean Pride LGBT group has helped me better understand myself..my parents have expressed that they won’t support me financially if I transition… Also at my college, I have been using the name Janus because he is the Roman god of new beginnings and transitioning. His name lends to the month of January in which I was born. Socially transitioning and seeking therapy has been a new beginning for me and I feel like I’m closer to finding myself”.

May 15, 2018: “I feel like controlling my body by being anorexic makes me more masculine and also hides the insecurities I have. One insecurity I have is that I am not strong enough to be a male and this results in me feeling anxious if I miss a day of exercise because I fear I’ll lose muscle mass”.

June 1, 2018: “I’m not alive at times and I sometimes question if I truly exist in this world or I’m just an immaterial being of my thoughts. Sometimes I like this feeling because I feel like I can mold myself into the person I see myself as”.

June 7, 2018: “There are days when I feel like things are moving too slowly and I become depressed. On those days, I go back to over-exercising and controlling my eating…I get depressed and wonder if I’ll ever build my confidence to achieve my goals. At those times of shaken confidence and doubts with whether I can be more true self, I feel intense gender dysphoria and find myself wishing I was gone from this world. My thoughts are foggy, my heart aches and I feel alone like I’ve just had all my hopes dashed when I entered a tunnel of no light”.

June 13, 2018:  “Sometimes the bitterness in my mind brings a question that fuels my frustration with my parents and that question is ‘Is it that hard to accept me as I choose to identify?’ ..All I want is to transition to be a man. I don’t think I can live with myself anymore going daily floating through life not fully living.” Sometimes I feel like being anorexic will make me skinnier and make me look more masculine and I think about what it would be like to die from anorexia and silence my inner critic’s voice. I think ‘What if I made myself so skinny that my chest would be extremely flat? What if I died trying to be a man, would that make me happier than the life I’m living now?’ These thoughts often scare me and make me feel numb and at times I cry… The constant thoughts that pound in my head, the ache of my muscles as I over-exercise to escape the emotional pain and the constant feeling like I don’t exist in this world- like I’m just drifting make me wonder whether I’m really making progress in life. I do not want to lose myself and every time I feel like I’m losing myself I go to the edge”.

More than a year later, Sept 19, 2019: “The summer months were emotionally exhausting since my parents did not accept my gender identity and did not think it necessary for me to visit the therapist. I felt alone with a raging inner critic and I would burst into tears at least twice every two weeks. I struggled with disordered eating, avoiding certain foods and at other times eating a lot because I didn’t feel full. Then I was filled with self-hatred because I felt I had lost control over my restriction with food and my body wouldn’t be masculine enough so I would work out to the extreme and eat little for days to burn off the calories…all I can think about is my gender identity and it consumes my mind…always the same obsessive thought that I’m trying to escape from. When I feel overwhelmed from all of it, it’s like my mental processes are sluggish and being controlled by this one loop that goes round and round and I go between different selves to placate the voice”.

Oct 10, 2019: “I don’t know how to be that self of me when  it seems like there really isn’t much of a self out of the shell of stereotypes. And I find myself wondering about the depression and anorexia.. I wonder how much will be left as these shells seem to disintegrate leaving me feeling more confused about myself than I was before… I think about the people at college who embrace me for me and tell me I’m valid for who I choose to be. I don’t feel valid in my feelings when I’m around my parents because they have expectations of what men and women can do that make them masculine or feminine. I feel lost as to who I am as a person. I don’t want to live in the shell of stereotypes society casts for me, but I don’t know myself outside the box either… I just don’t know who I’d be without the box or whether I actually am alive”.

Oct 31, 2019: “I am glad to have Ocean Pride LGBTQ club at my college which I have met some new friends who encourage me to be more positive each day. I know I can’t really think outside the box when I’m living with my parents, but I do try to reduce the anxiety by meditating, working on healthy eating habits (still combating anorexia, but it’s getting better)”.

Nov 20, 2019: “Ever since I came out as transgender male, I’ve had people who adamantly don’t accept my gender identity and purposefully tell me that I have to prove to them that I’m transgender. Some say I’m not masculine enough and that I’m not a man yet because I haven’t had the medical transition. But the medical transition is quite expensive and I’m working my way to it by getting a good education so I can become a genetic engineer and work on saving up for it”.

Dec 7, 2019: “Wearing a chest binder helps with the dysphoria, but putting it on sometimes makes me feel dysphoric because I feel like I’m just hiding my chest and the insecurity of possibly having the chest binder not making my chest flat enough sometimes contributes to dysphoria. I dislike the summer months the most because I feel more exposed without the layers covering my body. I have started to wear looser clothes in case my chest binder doesn’t hide the “bumps” of my chest. My chest causes me the most anxiety. Also I always feel tense when I feel like someone might misgender me, like an old acquaintance that doesn’t know my gender”.

Dec 9, 2019: “I have such dysphoria that makes it hard to concentrate on tasks some days as I wish my chest would be flatter. I know testosterone will help redistribute the fat in my body and help build more muscle so my chest will look flatter. I will also have a lower, deeper voice and grow facial hair that will make me feel more masculine. I know that testosterone will make me feel less stressed about my body as it changes it to be more masculine and I won’t feel so dysphoric at times that I have to work out to the extreme to escape my emotional turmoil. Mastectomy (top surgery to remove the chest) usually requires a transgender person to be on testosterone for six months or more and sometimes you have to live a year as a male before top surgery. The recovery for top surgery is six months at the quickest and it is painful as I’ve met transgender males who are in the process of top surgery and their chest bandages are quite tight and they have to use dialysis bags to help regulate blood flow… I wasn’t sure about myself at first but being in college and meeting other LGBTQA students has allowed me to realize how my experiences mirror their experiences. Some of my transgender friends that have transitioned are happier with their lives”.

Jan 25, 2020: “My gender dysphoria seems to have been getting more prominent because the more I know about it, the more I seem aware of it and the more I think about transitioning the more I want it to happen”.

May 8, 2020:  “Lately I’ve been having some panic attacks where I’m just crying and shaking because I just don’t know where I’m going.. I find myself lost in my thoughts of anxiety being afraid of myself and to escape those thoughts I start to work out a lot until I start to see shadows in my vision (I like to work out in the dark because it makes me feel less self-conscious) and sometimes the shadows seem like dark entities that will pull me under and I will pass away so I work out more until the shadows fade and I feel lightheaded and there are times when I pass out. After I wake, I look around the room and it seems like I see lights flickering in my vision and I tend to think that I am going into the light dissolving. And I find myself looking at memories of myself flash through my mind like a life review and I find myself feeling like it would just be better to just let go and just fade away”.

June 1, 2020: “I just feel lost in gender dysphoria and anxiety.. I still enjoy exploring science sometimes I wonder if science is just a way I chose to try to understand the world and myself and work on building myself up to transitioning and that almost makes it seem like I never really had anything that fit me I was only going after something that would help me transition because I yearn for that with every ounce of my being that I’m starting to question other things in life”.

Your most recent post was on June 3, 2020: “I have been having muscles aches and pains and sometimes just really tired due to anxiety so sometimes I will feel shaky and off balance, starting to sway a little.. I tend to run a lot because it helps with the anxiety and sometimes I think that the stiffness in my hips is the soreness from running. Other times it think  hat the sharp jabs of pain every now and then in my hips is from my full binder that I use to bind my chest and hips to make them look more masculine because the binder is a bit tight at times. I was feeling really dysphoric yesterday and I used trans tape to bind my chest and also wore a binder over it. The trans tape felt great and it significantly improved my dysphoria that I felt happy for once, but I think that I might have wrapped it on too tight because after a while I could feel it digging into my sides and when I went to remove the trans tape, I had some cuts and my chest was feeling sore. So today, I currently have soreness on my chest and the sides from trans tape that is still healing… I wish that my parents would think  about checking me in with a doctor but they don’t seem to think that I really need one and they think that it would be too much money”.

The last part of this post includes my thoughts:  from the very beginning of your posts, Dec 2015, you shared about your disordered eating, which you referred to later as anorexia, sharing about restricting food on one hand and overeating on the other, as well as over exercising to the extreme. You shared how it hurts your body, leaving you light headed and dizzy and sometimes you faint. Seems to me that your ongoing anxiety,  low blood sugar (caused by restricting food) and exhaustion (over-exercising) is your major and earliest struggle from the time you started this thread all the way to the present. Seems to me that this struggle negatively affected your performance in school: “getting an F in physics.. may have a negative impact when other colleges see it” (June 24, 2019). “I withdrew from Organic Chemistry” (Sept 19, 2019), and “I withdrew from my classes on March 8th due to intense anxiety that made it difficult to focus” (March17, 2020).

I have suffered from years of restricting, overeating, binge eating and over-exercising. I too hurt my body and otherwise suffered a lot  of anxiety in regard to eating and gaining weight. This anxiety is not completely gone, but I have made significant progress and I am still progressing. It is very, very important that you receive professional treatment for this issue.

This is all I have for you, Janus. Post again anytime.

anita