Dear Adelaide1:

You are welcome, and I am honored to be communicating with a person working for more equity in the world.

You wrote that you don’t believe this last woman pursued you for sex, and that it is true that you think “people are better than they are”. I am glad that at least at times you believe that indeed you are a beautiful person and that someone is going to be incredibly lucky to fall in love with you. And yes, it does mean that your self worth is improving. I am delighted that it is so.

“I am often too accommodating of others”- the way to correct it, I say, is to be less accommodating or not accommodating at all to people who.. do not accommodate you in return.

“Sometimes I find myself feeling resentful that others have been luckier in love than I have… I find myself wishing things were easier for me, or sometimes not as easy for others, but then I feel guilty about that… any ideas on how to reframe this thinking?”- first, remind yourself that feeling anything (ex. feeling envious of others) is not a choice, and therefore, not a character flaw. We feel what we feel when we feel it. I remember feeling guilty for the way I felt and I overcame it, in the last months or years, by thoroughly understanding (an inside-out kind of understanding) that I cannot possibly be guilty for how I feel. No one is. And everyone feels angry and envious and this and that, at one time or another.

About love not being easy for you- how about making it easier (however hard that will be to accomplish)? I don’t know the details of your handicap. I know that you use a wheelchair and that you don’t drive, but you do get around and used to work outside your home before the pandemic, maybe you are back working or soon will. But you know the details, and you don’t have to share it here, of course. My point is, what if you can make it easier for yourself to date and to enter a healthy, loving relationship? Like I suggested, we cannot make up for lost time (a frustration I felt in the past, a whole lot), and we have to endure that frustration, but changes can be made nonetheless.

Thank you for your empathy regarding my experience with feeling so very unworthy for so long. Yes, I do appreciate my worth now, and thank you for your kind words.

You asked me how did I go about changing my unfortunate decades long belief that I was unworthy: I remember long, long ago, I was a child, and I remember it so clearly (I remember so little, so this stands out): an uncle was sitting in front  of me and he asked me questions about me, he asked me questions about me. He wanted to know what I thought, what I felt- I couldn’t believe it. I don’t think it happened before that or after that. Not for many, many years. There is so much more to add to the question you asked, and it can take days or weeks to answer this question thoroughly, maybe through a conversation. But at this point, I’d say, to feel worthy, you need someone to really want to know how you experience life on the inside, wanting to know what you think, what you feel, what you believe in.. wanting to know.

anita