hi anita, me again…

i hope youre doing well..

so i just wanted to talk to you about somethings.. and here theyre..

heres the story.. and the things that have changed, its hard to type this without crying..

i dont live with my awwful dad anymore. i live with y grandparents. i have a job.. i make good money. i am happy at work and work is a great distraction, but i cant seem to shake these two feelings, i know tat if you fall ot of ove with somome its maybe because you were never in love with them in the first place… and i sometimes think that the reason that i still have this same attachement to him as i did months ago when we talked is that i love him, but then i think that that couldnt be right, because it was so bad hat i had to dump him,

i sometimes think i am strong for dumping him because with every art of my soul i didnt want to. but i knew that even if there was this tiny feeling that was telling me i should then, i definietley should…

when i think of him, he the boyfriend that every girl wishes to have, extremely handsome, kind to his mom, family orienated, mature, kind, funny, smart, responsible, has a job, drives. so the feeling that i cant shake is, if its not him then who else on earth could it be? i don just want to be the person who only chases after people who dont want me….

the other feeling i cant shake is the same one i had all throught the relationship. i hink i am pretty and a lot of people tell me i am. but i just dont belive it, i think everyone is better than me, and i hate how i look talk and act, and that was a major problem for us because he was so confident and comfortable within himself, i dont know how to gain self love because i as never taugt, i was taught the exct opposite and even if i a feeling confident for awhle it always ges away after awhile, and turns into me completley hating myself.

let me get this straight, i am not suicidal BUT, and thats a BIG but…. i feel like my own brain is out to get me, it sounds crazy but i just want all the thoughts in my head to stop. i remeber always seeing in movies people talking about the voices in their head right before they kill themselves and i nderstand it, it feels lie its not even you, its ths negitve comintater that always has s,ething to say and makes ur brain run  at 5000mph so yea,

the last feeling  cant sake is that i did what my ashole ex did to me, to makai, i am terrfied that i hurt him, even though i know i did, people would roll their eyes at me if they heard this but i felt like i had no choice and that me staying with him would hurt him way more, his whole family hates me and his friends too, and that sucks to think about even though i now it pretty much all my fault. i dont want to make myself out as a victim because im not.. but yeah, we check up on eachother all the time. we still talk, but i just dont want to hurt him anymore then i already have.

the thought of him being with somone else used to break me but now as long as they make him so fucking happy, i caan defietley live with that, because if the reason i dumped him was because i wanted him to be happy, then i need to allow that to happen, and step out of the way. thats the only growth i think ive made.. other then getting a job and movig out of that toxic house, i still think negitivley AF and have no control over my emotions.

anyways if i read this over ill prob delete it so bare with me, lol try ur hardest to understand… if you even reply lol. thx anitaaa<3