Dear Lea:

“when he realizes that things start to be more ‘intense’, he tends to back off because he scares himself. What do you think about that?”- I agree, that’s what I meant when I wrote to you in my most recent post that he “repeatedly withdrew from you because he is anxious and his way of lessening his anxiety is to withdraw”. The meaning of the word anxiety is ongoing fear with no immediate and present danger. When he gets scared/ anxious, he withdraws. Withdrawing when scared/ anxious is a very common and natural reaction in people and in other animals.

“he hates conflicts”- maybe when he feels a connection to a woman, he also feels conflict at the same time.

“his mother was his main influence”, his main influence and his main conflict: pleasing her meant denying himself, that’s a conflict. Fast forward, he connects with you and his conflicts reawakens: pleasing you means denying himself.

“When he grew up, maybe his only reference was his mother as his father was often on business travel. And therefore, he developed more his feminine side due to an almost missing strong masculine figure? We say that we develop our gender role according to what we see  in our family right?”- I doubt that he applies makeup because he copied his mother applying makeup, or that he wears feminine clothes because he copied his mother’s style. I assume he was aware that he was a boy, that he received messages from his mother that make up and dresses and whatnot is not for boys (you said his family is traditional as far as gender  roles), and he saw his father sometimes, other men in the family, in school, on TV.

“His mother seems to be the ‘main’ boss at home, the main authority. If so then, to which extent could it affect his way of dating? Which kind of girls is he looking for? The same figure as his mother or the opposite?”- excellent questions. I would say that what he is not likely to be looking for is a balanced, reasonable woman. What he is likely to be attracted to is one of the two extremes: either a bossy woman like his mother or a submissive woman unlike his mother. Children react to extremes by choosing one extreme or the other, it’s part of the all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking characteristic of children.

anita