Unconsciously and all along when i was trying to understand him, i was trying to also understand myself so. Could we together be able to find our own missing part? Or is this unhealthy to think like that? When i’m with him, i don’t feel intoxicated, slowed down, maybe it’s due to the fact that we are both still looking for our own way through life? I can’t stop seeing me and him as children blocked in an adult’s body now, that’s pretty funny honestly.

Well, i know for now and for sure there is strictly nothing to hope as nothing has really changed yet (neither from his side nor from mine in our lives in a concrete way). I know we both need a lot of space and time in order to recover physically and mentally from the last few months which were very tough. I guess i also need to frame myself toward him, what you wrote brought new perspectives which make some real good echoes in me and i must think about that.

I still wonder if he is moving on or if he is doing a “fight or flight” attitude again. Why did he want to keep in touch with me? I really thought he was just being polite until i realized we kept talking as almost usual. Also, i just remembered him telling me the day he decided to stop everything “yeah you will go back to your country for summer and perhaps you’ll date boys from your country”. Did he push me to move on because he didn’t already care anymore?

” I think that your mother, having been present and dictatorial in your life, had way more power over your life choices than the absence of a father” => I think so too, mostly in the kind of men i dated previously, they all came from the same kind of social class which made me feel extremely uncomfortable on a middle term to be honest. I never realized i dated men according to what they could correspond to the perfect potential son-in-law for her.. And once again, that younger guy was an exception but still, he was the one i chose.