Dear Anita,

“I am not motivated to ask you questions because I don’t trust that I will receive answers close enough to the truth.”

– What I propose is that we give it another go and I’ll give my best to answer your questions as well and as raw honestly as I can, trying to see things deeper and using more exact terms instead of extreme ones like I tend to. What do you think?

“ask me questions, if you want to, maybe I will be able to clarify some things for you.” – In this case, there is one question that comes into my mind right now: How do you see me? What can you conclude so far after all we talked about?

“so, you “managed to get over it” much of the time, but not all  of the time, is what I figure you meant by getting-over-it.”

– I think that in order to answer this I should offer you the main background of the subject. If you are not comfortable discussing sexual issues just let me know and I will understand. So, at some point while I was in school I discovered masturbation, which I enjoyed doing. I’ve been raised religious and I used to go to confession 2 times a year. One time (I think I was in the 6th grade) at a confession I told the priest about masturbation and watching pornography to which he answered that by doing this I could die and go to hell, that I should never ever do it again if I want to be forgiven, and that I am not worthy of communion, but he will grant me permission only if I promise never to do it again. This has been such a powerful shock to me that it managed to stay deep inside my head (at the beginning consciously, and afterwards unconsciously) for about 10 years. After that I focused on abstaining but I gave in at some point and every time I did it I used to feel extreme guilt and shame for being dirty and sinful. And that feeling of guilt, shame and strong regret that followed immediately after every time I finished has become something like a reflex. I think that the main thing that helped me get over it partially was the fact that over time I realized the difference between faith and religion, because I’ve seen countless events where priests have used religion to gain power by making people feel bad about themselves. So after reading a lot about it on the interned, listening podcasts, etc. I managed to become a little more open about sexuality by telling myself that it can’t be wrong if it’s not excessive and nobody is hurt by it. So I feel that I was able to make the change because I could see clear proof for it.

Now, regarding the times when I still feel guilty: whenever I’m in a bad mood I start doubting my beliefs. So if I feel down and masturbate, what follows afterwards is a feeling of guilt, shame and regret, but not for considering it a sin, but thinking that I don’t deserve to have that pleasure. And other times, if I feel very lonely (which I very often do) I tell myself that I should be doing this together with somebody, not by myself, but my only and last sexual encounter happened 2 years ago (I was 23 then) and since then I haven’t even been capable of finding anybody to be with me in the last 2 years (unlike many others who have no difficulty in doing so) which creates regret and shame. This lack of intimacy for such a long time makes me feel weak, unwanted, unworthy, confused and sometimes even less of a man.

If I look at things from a different perspective, I could say that I have always respected women, I have always treated women well and as equals, I have never and would never force a woman into doing anything she doesn’t want, so all this makes me a real and strong man. But what gives me a hard time seeing things this way is the fact that people don’t seem to care much about it. I have seen so many of my peers treating women badly and looking them down who have had lots of girlfriends without even making a tiny effort, while from what I remember I’ve been mostly considered too sensitive or too nice to be attractive.

I believe you might think about the possibility of me being too picky or too pretentious, so I’ll offer you a “preventive answer”: I don’t think I am. I’m just looking for genuine, respectable, open and honest people whom I can trust, and whom I can have good conversations with, without feeling inferior or disrespected.