Hi, I feel the same. I am 16 years old girl and I have never had a boyfriend. Many of my friends started dating this summer, but I’m still alone. I have never loved someone, even if I had many crushes on boys. But in the past, when a boy I liked showed interest in me, I found that I didn’t want a relationship with him. All this gave me doubts about my orientation. Why am I not in love with any boy? Why did I always avoid dating? In May of this year, a boy told me that he likes me, but I refused him. I liked him, but I didn’t wanna be in a relationship with him. This also raised doubts for me. I experienced my first kiss with this boy, we were kissing for the first time for two hours. Then we kissed twice more. It was great (but I did not have a butterflies in stomach), I would do it again if I could, even if I don’t love him. There is a lot of chemistry between us, I feel like I am attracted to him, but just sexually. But why can’t I love him? Is it because I am gay?
For the first time, I had doubts about my orientation at the age of fourteen after watching Bohemian Rhapsody. I was afraid that just like Freddie didn’t know he was gay, I didn’t know either. For a few weeks, I felt anxious and stressed, constantly googling the signs, watching the coming out videos, but then somehow my thoughts settled, I don’t even know how.
Some time before, I had to see a psychologist for fear of illnesses such as cancer and googling symptoms.
This year, however, doubts about my orientation have returned. They showed up at my beginning in July. I found something about HOCD that calmed me down for a while, ’cause I had most of the same symptoms as other patients. And so began days full of googleing the stories of people with HOCD and the symptoms, because it calmed me down in part. But now it can’t calm me down either. Actually, what I experience no longer feels like HOCD. On the street, I still notice the girls and observing if I like them and if I can imagine dating them. I never liked any girl, any girl never attracted me sexually. Like I said, I always had many crushes on boys. I am very shy and introverted, so it always has been hard for me to talk with boys. I’m afraid I’ll never have a boyfriend and I’ll never fall in love with any boy because I’m a lesbian. The first thought I have in the morning after waking up in my head is “I’m a lesbian.” It’s terrible. I have no appetite, my chest hurts. My mom often asks me if I have a boyfriend and if I like someone, and that stresses me even more.
Years ago, when I was maybe 12, I had a dream about having sex with my friends (girls). I can remember, that I liked that dream. I’ve also been watching lesbian porn lately to see if I’m aroused, and I was. But in real life, I have never wanted to have sex with my friends or some random girls. I love talking about boys with my best friends. When I was 4 years old, I had a “boyfriend”, when I was 6 years old, I had a “boyfriend”, at the age of 8 I experienced the first children’s kiss with a boy, which I also liked. Despite all this, I can’t get rid of the idea that I’ve been lying to myself all my life and that I’ve suppressed lesbian feelings. I want to go to school because I think that when I will be with my classmates, my thoughts will not be so intense.
It’s like I don’t know myself anymore. I read on the internet that if someone has doubts about their sexual orientation, then it is not straight. Is this true? I want to be straight, I want to have a boyfriend, husband… I envy people who never had doubts about their orientation and always knew they were straight. I want to have a broken heart, I want to fall in love with boy who wouldn’t love me back, just to be certain that I am not gay. I’m very afraid I’ll never be able to fall in love with any boy. I really want to 🙁
What do you think about my situation? Am I lesbian in denial? Do I have HOCD? Is it just a phase? Will I be ever without these thoughts happy with some boyfriend?
I am sorry for my English, but I’m not from an English-speaking country and I had to use a translator a lot. I would be really happy if someone wrote me their opinion. Thanks 🙂