@Tim Reading your reply made me cry, you along with @shelbyville are both so intuitive. I had been feeling like recently I had gone backwards in my progress as when the pandemic began my break up was so miniscule in relation to the worlds that I was able to find solace. So this sudden change of feelings I have found hard and confusing. Having to then keep that a secret from family and friends as they thought I was doing great has been exhausting and alienating.

I don’t know if it’s just feeling low from heartache or I may be suffering from depression. But I will book a check up as I’m overwhelmed and I certainly don’t want to end up an addict. Thank you for not sugar coating the facts even if it was hard for me to acknowledge.

Tim, I’m also sorry for even insinuating you are settling in your new relationship. I find I get jealous not in a horrible way but I want to be where you are, on the other side happy and loved. I do feel unloved because if you think about it I gave 100% to my ex but I was not good enough. He gave me much less and I accepted him. It hurts in its own way. I don’t know if the ego is bruised or I lacked so much self love that I thought this was all I deserved?

I am loved but I want that one person who understands me, is mine, I can turn to whether I’m in a joyous or pissy mood. Someone like you described that makes you feel special too.

@shelbyville if it’s ok may I continue to post here? I find you understand my peaks and troughs and @Tim is inspiration as he has made it out the other side and he gives sage advice.

Shelby, You are so right, my ex was a big part of my life, many of my firsts and adulting was with him. One day he moved in and 3.5 years later I would have expected to have a baby, a forever home, wedding. Was I wrong to have this expectation? None of that came. So it hurts in so many ways. Why didn’t I chose better for myself? The signs were there. Why was I not enough? Was it all lies and he just coasted passively enjoying the warm body and having me there doing everything, spoiling him until he was eventually going to find something better and leave? I feel like if I didn’t push for more he would have carried on enjoying all the benefits until he came across his one because I clearly wasn’t as his actions in the end showed time and time I was not a priority. I feel hurt for being a fool. I feel hurt I love him so much that 4.5 months on and after he broke up with me so many times citing the same reasons, I still if he came back at this point give it consideration. Although I don’t want that, the time I invested seems like such a waste. My head feels like scrambled eggs. I then cry just wanting someone to tell me they love me, I want to be able to sleep next to someone knowing he wants me. Am i just lonely?

How and where are you at in your stage of your journey? Some of my friends are suggesting I go on some casual dates but I don’t want that. I want to fast forward to the part when I’m with someone I feel loved and secure with. Someone if I get too merry after a girl’s night, will hold my hair back while I puke and tells me in my worst state he thinks I’m amazing. I want to be seen. I want someone to say it and mean it and show it.

It’s a Sat evening and I have so many friends and family but I feel so alone. When does it get better? You mentioned you still haven’t got your “shit together” in what way (but then again you have been very self degrading in your previous posts before your break) ?