Control is not love. No way, no how. I wish I could say this in another way to help you understand. Control is about dominating and be the top person. Being controlled is not being loved, it is being abused. A person controls because their is something damaged inside of them, some kind of need to be X or Y, that makes them do the abusive acts that control means. You may not think that this control is abuse, but it is abusive to not allow someone to drive or to get their own bank account. He tries to control his world because of the internal struggle or emotional needs that he has. It is not about you or your mom needing this control. You and your mom do not need his control. Rather, his control makes you feel less than and unable to do for yourselves, perhaps very unhappy, perhaps focused on the over giving and over doing in order to please someone who is not able to be pleased. Again, people do this stuff because of something broken, damaged, flawed within their own psyche or emotions.

Melody Beattie has written The New Codependency. This author has been around a long time, she has the first version called Codependent No More. You can easily google this book, which I expected you to do to find the author. You can easily find these in libraries, used book stores, amazon, etc. in the USA. If you do a search for books about codependency, you will find even more books written by a variety of authors. There is even Codependents Anonymous meetings, or CODA.

Our journey in life, our path in life is to work out these internal struggles and to find our own emotional equilibrium and wellness. We all are not where we need to be at this very moment but the journey will lead us there is we keep going, keep working on it.

About your dad being a so called broken man – that is not for me to judge. He sounds like has some real serious problems, and he doesn’t live a peaceful and emotionally fulfilled life. That is his deal, and yes, I agree you can’t fix him. Nor should we try. Many people think “broken” people are those that are depressed and unhappy and full of remorse or shame, etc. Your dad is on his own journey in life. Many alcoholics drink because they are filled with shame and guilt and dislike themselves (according to Al Anon). He may not have done his journey like you would have hoped at this time in your life. Maybe we chose our parents before we are born to learn the lessons in life we need to learn?

Al Anon family groups would be extremely helpful to you in learning about alcoholism and its affect on the family. How not to be codependent with the alcoholic. They have much information online and if you google search it, you will find it. Don’t have that exact website address but you are smart and can find it. Their pamphlets are online also.

I focus on you changing you, finding a new perspective, leading yourself to emotional maturity and emotional wellness, because your life is about you. Your parents are on their own journey. Your job is to focus on yourself no matter who tells you otherwise. By focusing on yourself I mean leading yourself to emotional wellness, finding a good life, finding an emotionally healthy partner who is not out for control and who is your equal not your daddy’s age. I do not mean be self absorbed or selfish or narcissistic.