Dear Lara:

You made a powerful, assertive statement: “I’ve spent the first 30 years of my  life without hearing any loving words and I’m not willing to put up with the same kind of silent relationship”-

– listen, really listen to this statement, that you made; honor it, respect it.

Your parents are not silent, but the noise that they make is unloving and distressing (criticising, complaining). You don’t want that kind of noise. You want audible honesty and caring in a relationship with a man, and he did not give you that consistently. Sometimes, (“him blowing hot and cold”)- you can’t enjoy the hot when you expect cold to follow. Better experience a reliable warm, so that you can depend on it and relax into it.

“When he is cold and unattentive, it really makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know why. It feels like I’ve done something wrong when he is actually just tired or not willing to make efforts (so is he faking it?)”-

– maybe he is affectionate (the hot of the “hot and cold”) when he is not angry at you, and silent (the cold of the “hot and cold”) when he is angry at you, trying to punish you with his silence, aka the silent treatment- it is very common. Do you think this might be the case?

anita