I don’t know if you noticed, but I wrote to you in my recent post that I will read further posts by you and reply in about 16 hours from now. I am not focused enough to continue at this point.

Yes, of course. I should have mentioned that I was aware. I’ll add that after this night (Western-Europe) I’ve come to the conclusion that you are right. Me and my brother have been emotionally abused, and our father as well. But I also want to stress that my mother thinks she didn’t do much wrong, which is perhaps problematic as well, not to be able to see shortcomings. Although, since her chemo – as mentioned earlier- she’s become noticeable dumber (intellectual forgetfulness), but has also become more childlike in a way and much much more emotional. I think she perhaps grasps something and her pains that still bother her body are perhaps a sign of this. But I digress.

I will go to my therapist with the insights you’ve provided for me. If she’s not willing to go along or understand, as friendly as she is, I will have to find another therapist. But it will be hard, as we’ve become almost friends.

Are you enlightened? Have you attained satori? With the accuracy and speed you are helping people on this website, I would think you are. As it is almost supernaturtal abilities you have, the sort of which I’ve come to associate with human beings having reached satori.

I also want to add that, with the new insights I’ve accepted, that my sense-of-self has shifted from feeling an unworthy perpetrator to an unworthy perpetrator/ victim. But it does not make it easier, far from it. But I think it is needed if I’m to save my current existence.

Lastly, I wish I could stop trying to figure out what my brother (mainly), my father, my mother and even friends and past crushes (whom I’ve kept at bay due to unworthiness) are thinking and feeling. One thing I’ve learned from Zen Buddhism but fail to integrate is that you should be concerned with reaching enlightenment instead of trying to help others, because if you’re not enlightened your help is inadequate.