Dear anita

“I think that you recently promised yourself that you will never ignore and misunderstand yourself- the very person who was ignored and misunderstood for so long.” Thank you.

“The feeling that you are being rude when you are honest and assertive is probably attached to when your behavior is not rude at all. It’s probably one of the misleading feelings that maintain the old behavior, and which will continue for a while.” Yes. It will take some time. But I will get there.

I guess, if you’ve heard about splitting- I tend to do it a lot. My mind filters things as good or bad, positive or negative- but life exists in all shades of grey. It certainly applies to people a lot.

I went through a really rough time this time last year-  one of my lowest points in life. And people didn’t reach out to me- probably because I’m high functioning as a person so they didn’t realise what was happening. If you’ve read this quote by Robin Williams – “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” That’s my motto.

I was the kind of person who would check up on people, text them, and listen to them- and that was the only way they ever acknowledged me. People do come to me for my empathy and advice, but as an individual, I’ve been sidelined and ignored unless and until they need my help.

I have a rather intimidating personality- most of the things I talk about are either intellectual, or philosophical, mostly serious, and my friend circle likes to talk about pop culture and celebrity gossip.. and that’s not really my thing. I have to stick around because it’s really difficult being alone away from home, and finding a new group or new people would be difficult halfway through my journey in University.

During my lowest time, I stopped messaging people. I didn’t reach out. I shut people out- and to be honest, 90 percent of them never bothered checking up on me till they realised that they had stopped getting attention. The rest 10 percent I am really grateful for.

So anyway, I think the one thing that is holding me back is that, I haven’t really forgiven a lot of people (my old friends) for this. I think that explains my anger and not wanting to respond to them. Because I know that they didn’t bother, and they can do it again. I’m trying to find my people, but it’s a struggle because I don’t want to end up being hurt again.

On a good note, with my assertiveness and boundaries- and also the fact that I’m discovering my likes and dislikes, I have found some new groups and activities which feel amazing.

S