Dear anita,

I cannot thank you enough for spending time to read all my posts and for writing this long message. I’m very glad that you try to help me. Thank you 🙂

I had a long talk with my mom about my childhood as planned. I feared that I had forgotten many things but I soon realized that was not true.

Here is what I want to say about it :

Before my parents divorced, it seems that my father loved me in his way : he showed me his love by buying me things. My mom was the one who took care of me.

After the divorce, I lived some stressful events. I don’t want to share them but I remember that when my father came at my mom’s door so that he could take me to his home for the weekend, I was terrified, crying, very anxious. It happened every other weekend until I was 13 (the legal age to tell the justice that I didn’t want to see him anymore).

My mom overprotected me and we were very close (she was sad when I was sad and I was sad when she was sad). She thought that she had to give me twice as much love considering that I lacked my father’s love.

One day, before I was 13, I was with my father at the supermarket. I wanted to have a toy and told him so. Then he replied that I don’t deserve it. This has been stuck in my head ever since. When I feel sad and wonder why I’m still lonely and don’t have a girlfriend, I sometimes think about what he told me that day. And it hurt a lot (even though I know it’s bullshit).

When I was 16, 17 and feeling very very low for the first time in my life, I remember withdrawing into myself and I thought that I could handle my depression on my own. I was wrong obviously. My mom told me that she could see that I was very sad and she wanted to help me. She told me that I needed someone like a doctor to help but I disagreed and wanted to handle it on my own. I do believe her and everything makes sense.

I think she did the best she could and I don’t blame her for anything. She had to deal with my father, herself and me.

But it is true that I have suffered a lot and now I need to understand and accept what happened in order to move on.

Daniel