Thank you again Anita. What I meant by mental breakdown is that, I found myself being over-emotional/thinking, I started to “suffocate” in my own head, literally. I reached a pic of negative energy on friday where I was extremely edgy and the second after down. And finally I ran out of juice on satursday where I was totally unable to do anything. It was totally impossible to properly organize my thoughts.

When I realized I reached that state, I decided it was time for me to do something. So I made a list of all the intrusive thoughts which came in my mind during that breakdown and I’m still currently trying to fix them once for all. This is why on sunday I prepared and sent to him that long message. Just like you stated, I think also I wrote to him to primarily improve my mental health. I had too many questions, too many thoughts about his attitude towards me, I was at this point where I wondered why he didn’t reply to me one week after I sent the last message (which didn’t require a formal response to start off and I know he was extremely busy during the last week). I started to think “ok so he doesn’t even bother to open nor read what I sent, it means he doesn’t care anymore, he moved on definitely, he talked to me during the whole summer because he didn’t have anything else to do and now that he finally started his classes he won’t never reply again because I was just a sort of hobby but now he meets many people and many girls so he got rid of me”. When I found myself blocked within this spiral, I realized I had to do something, I couldn’t let myself stuck into these thoughts and I knew I started to become dangerous for me.

I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD but I wouldn’t be surprised to have it. I realized I was getting into the same kind of spiral he went through about him and me. I don’t think I’m obsessed about him, because if so, I think I would have tried harder to talk to him more often, stalking him everywhere I could on a daily basis or so (we were only friends on facebook, not even on instagram nor twitter). And to be honest it didn’t bother me the fact that he took sometimes a few days to respond as I’m exactly the same. I totally understand that we can have busy schedules or we simply run out of juice, it doesn’t mean we don’t like the person. In my opinion it’s better to take more time to properly respond than quickly respond something which doesn’t make sens.

“I can’t stop having this constant thought about what is in his mind concerning me. Does he think about me? Did he move on? I try to find clues everywhere, over analyzing.. How come I’m unable to move on.. I know I’m being irrational but I can’t fight those thoughts” I said 5 days ago and that was when my mental breakdown started. I remember I was getting a serious panic-attack when I wrote that message and I started to find clues about his attitude on his social medias (which I normally don’t do honestly, I’m not a big fan of social medias and he’s not active on them anyway).

Just like him found himself into a spiral due to intrusive thoughts which made him spit out everything which were in his minds and stopping everything because he sensed a danger, I did the same I think. It wasn’t an obsession about him but more about a thought, the thought of him being suddenly uninterested not only as potential/past-love-interest but also as friend. And that pushed me to spit out all I had in my minds about him and after blocking him. I blocked him because I withdrew myself from a situation I considered as dangerous (having a potential response about his own feelings about me, the fear he would reject me) while I told him I knew he wasn’t ready and neither I was a for serious relationship and it was just about expressing what I felt for him and nothing more and that I still wanted to talk to him for real without any expectations hidden behind my speech. I think I even rejected myself in my message (I told him “without any doubts you moved on a longtime ago”, “you won’t never feel the same way for me as I do for you”). I thought I was being 100% rational when I wrote what I sent to him but I don’t think I was, otherwise I wouldn’t have blocked him and I would have simply assumed my words. And I also think I really went through the same scheme of thoughts as he did, I found myself being more peaceful, not because we had a chat where we clarified the situation but because I spited out my thoughts. I don’t know if I’m being clear here, this is a bit complicated for me to express it correctly not only in English but even in my native language.

I’m glad I wrote and sent that message, but blocking him when I think about it, looked more like a form of pure form of withdrawing. I also know I’ll have issues to let him blocked, I’ll try to keep him blocked until thursday at least (in order to not look too much like someone playing hot and cold with what she says). To be honest when it comes to my emotions and feelings, I know I’m extremely messy, I’m so uncomfortable when it comes to expressing them properly. And I also realize he never really knew how I felt towards him all along the story. When I talked about our past situations with him, I was extremely academic and I don’t think he was comfortable with that because being academic when it comes to emotions/feelings don’t show the way we truly feel, actually it’s more the contrary. Indeed, being academic = being neutral over a situation so.. Well, i’m working on that point as well. I stated in my message for him that for the very first time I was trying to let myself expressing more how I felt and being less scholar. (Maybe that was why I also freaked out and decided to block him, as for me showing emotions/feelings is a kind of sign of weakness..)

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Lea.