I don’t know what to do, I’m so stressed, so I’m going to ramble here and think aloud

My family were meant to be going away on a walking holiday Saturday morning. My mum has been on and off about the trip because a) she threatened she wouldn’t be going because she wanted some space from my dad and aunt, and b) she has a lot ailments which make traveling and walking hard. This seems to have gotten worse over the past 2 years.

Yesterday she texts me to say she’s not going as she sprained her leg in her sleep(?). Today I ask dad what’s going on, and he says he is going anyway, it isn’t a problem if I don’t go, but he asks that I stay at home with mum for a few days because he doesn’t know where her mind is at the moment. I feel like I cannot win either way. I feel terrible my dad going on holiday without his immediate family (his sister-in-law and nephew will be there, but we won’t). I keep getting images in my head of him being alone. I feel we as a family have done nothing but let him down, always.

I want to rise up and try and be a better daughter and go with him, but the thought of going makes me incredibly anxious:

– Being away from home is a struggle, travelling makes me sick, and last time I got on a plane I had a serious panic attack and promised myself I’d never go on a plane again, I was convinced we’d die..  I’m sort of positive the plane will explode.. but then i feel bad if I didn’t go because dad would die alone on it.. which is really silly and panicky but my brain??????

– I feel my aunt and cousin don’t particularly like me. I am the black sheep on the family, the one who would get into trouble, the ‘over reactor’, or one who would openly disagree with people. (I used to stand up for my beliefs, and still do to a degree, and they usually conflict with the rest of my family.) I feel like they look down on me and I don’t know how much of that is imaginary.

– I’m just not very good company, holidays mean going out for meals which makes me anxious, and family members getting drunk, which makes me uncomfortable to be around

– I know mum is responsible for herself and I’d be enabling her by staying home, but I keep getting images of her in my head where she’s drunk and hurt and .. what if she overdoses and no-one is there?? It doesn’t seem like a safe time right now given she only went to A&E a few days ago?? She is always injuring herself when she’s drunk

– Mum would be left alone with my brother who is a bully to her, verbally abusive, has thrown things at her and been threatening

– On the other hand if I stay with mum, I could give my brother a break from ‘looking after’ her since I will be the one to be keeping an eye on things, and also I could spend some quality time with them both which I’ve not done lately

– I’m letting down my dad yet again by not going

It’s a no win situation and I don’t know what to do, but also I feel terrible for even complaining because I’m blessed that I have a family, and we have an opportunity to go away