Dear Rachel:

As I re-read our recent communication, before reading your most recent post, I saw the word “monster” but then corrected myself, the word I saw was “mother”. The words are similar, I got confused.. but in reality, it happens that a mother is a monster.

And now, to your recent post: you shared that when you were a teenager and you did a simple thing for yourself, such as getting something to eat after work, your mother called you selfish. As a result, you felt then and after, guilty doing anything for yourself.

“Parents should  love their children unconditionally”- to love a child on the condition that she does not take care of herself is not love at all. What it is- is training the child to take care of her mother/ family instead of taking care of herself. We have to distinguish between loving a child and training a child– two different things.

Regarding my offer to support you in the context of your thread- you are welcome.

“I am always the one giving support, not getting it. And if I am ‘getting it’, it’s from someone who wants to control me”- I do not want to control you. But at any time in the future of your communication, you might feel that I am trying to control you. When that happens, let me know that it happened, and let me know what of what I wrote to you feels controlling. When you do that, I will consider what you say, and communicate about it honestly with you.

Your former therapist was a bad therapist, just as your former girlfriend was a bad girlfriend. It is as if your therapist at the time supported your girlfriend, instead of supporting you!

Good to read that you blocked your ex girlfriend. I suggest you tell your sister and that friend to no longer tell you if she contacts them, that way she will not be able to reach you by proxy.

You wrote that if your ex sat in front of you, “she would say she did it because she loved me too much.. After a fit of rage  and screaming, she would say she did it because she loved me too much”- that’s a lie: her abuse of you has never been about love- not about a little love, and not about too much love- love got nothing to do with it.

Same goes to your father (“my dad would say the same. I yell because I love you”).

“Am I always supposed to be someone’s punching bag?”

My answer: no. I have an idea: if you want to, define love in simple words (not in an academic kind of way), so that you are able to clearly see what is love, and what is not love.

anita