@Lula

First things first. I am going to give you a male pov, it will be blunt but hard facts.

The reality is he is an emotionally immature boy who has taken advantage of your feelings for him and used you because he doesn’t know what he wants. He knows you want him, even a fool would pick up on the clues after 4 years so do not try to excuse his behavior. You are a good person so want to see the good in him but the reality is he had his foot in both camps. He is using you as a backup option. If there was an ex still in the picture he most likely is not over her and you filled or plugged the gap/void nicely and if she never returned you would have been the backup. She has returned so now you are the emotional support when things go shit with them two.

If he is talking to you with romantic overtures with no intent to pursue that alone proves he is a jerk. In addition if he is treating you like that whilst with his ex it demonstrates a lack of respect to both you and her.

Do you really want an emotionally stunted man child?

You have been complicit in this, 4 years is a ridiculous amount of time to spend investing in someone who has no regard for your feelings.

You need to walk away for your own sanity, this has already eroded your self worth. You are happy to stay in waiting for someone’s breadcrumbs. Do you not deserve a man who will love you and show you? Yes, you should tell him exactly how you feel so he knows it is not acceptable and he learns. I’m afraid by you putting up with it for 4 years means he will never change his behavior with you if you remain together, he knows how far he can go. Maybe he will improve for his future relationships if he is good as you say.

If you have really fallen in love, set him free. You will be happy for him. That is selfless love. Then move on, love yourself so you never allow a man to treat you like this again. He is not giving you anything other than pain and damaging your self-worth further each day you spend with him.

Tim