Dear Anita 🌅☀️

I can’t really tell anymore. It is true that I would love to have a stable job, get married and have kids and so do my parents. But the point is that this goal is eating me up psychologically. Then, although we might want the same things, it is the way I’ve been taught by them to get stressed about it or be criticized about it. Them being critical of my mistakes or alleged mistakes is what’s getting me up at night. The guilt tripping, the what ifs, put the ocd on top of all that, it is a bad combination.  Mistake = “death”

I have a morbid fear of mistakes. They can never be reversed in my dad’s head and so in my head. The same was with my ex for a long time -> maybe he did truly love me but I was mistaken or ungrateful (etc) and maybe he was my only chance in love so that EQUALS I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life.

This is what happens with everything I ever did. Second guessing, guilt tripping, anxiety and horror. That’s why I don’t really know what I want. What if I don’t want good things? What if I’m gonna be alone forevermore?