@sammy

We want to believe that he will make it to Canada sooner than later. I am confused are you suggesting that love requires a continuous commitment. Does that mean a commitment not as platonic friends for now?  Does that put us out of that category? I certainly do not plan to put my eggs in one basket as tempting as it might be.

I am not in denial of my situation. I do plan to date when I feel ready to do so. Today is exceptionally hard for me. I feel sad, but thankful that he is still in my life at the same time.

I am afraid that if I stop talking to him then I would be closing the door. I don’t want that. He has applied to Canada. But because of the virus, we don’t know how long the delay will be. We can only wait for them to get to his application. He is spending his time strengthening it by learning french and taking the fluency exam.  He thinks that if it takes a year we will move on.

I fear that if i stop talking to him then I cut off something that could have been.  I realize that I am setting myself up for pain in the future. But I don’t know what will happen so should I not do that because I fear pain later on?  I do not believe that he wants to stop talking to me.  I had suggested that we stopped doing so a few days ago and he talked me out of it.

I am torn. Talking to him makes me happy. At the same time, it makes me feel anxious sad, and angry because of our situation. I have never done this before. I always rip the bandaid off. But there were always problems in my past relationships and that is why they ended. I am happy he is with me still but I am also miserable.

I am still not caring for myself the way I should every day. I don’t feel like I have any motivation and I don’t think that has anything to do with him. I just wish there was a way to carry on without so much pain.