Dear Anita,

Regarding #2 and what you shared elsewhere about this man: if the behaviors you described on his part are not his emotional reactions to you abusing him or harassing him (ex. calling him names, threatening him, calling him non-stop, etc.), then regardless whether he could be diagnosed by a professional with Narcissitic Personality Disorder or not, he is a very rude and cruel person, not one I would want any woman to get involved with. A man who is this rude and cruel does not change to a gentle and kind man with new woman, not long term.
The first thing i felt upon reading this and still do is self-doubt. That I think is at the bottom of all of it. Over the years, I’ve constantly fed to myself and he’d told me too that his behavior is my causing and while I have, tried to the best of my abilities, to see things for what they are instead of putting it all on myself but I still keep having doubts. I think that is also a major reason why I’m unable to let go. I see myself at fault in more places than i think i should.
I have never called him any names, never threatened however I do admit that there have been times when I’ve called him more times in a row than I feel i should’ve. The reason that I know in my head is this, even though i keep doubting it: since it was a long distance relation, calls and skypes were literally all we had. Now things would be good for a while, specially after a reconciliation (as i said, he’s left multiple times and come back), we’d talk regularly (a couple texts here and there during the day like gm texts and generally one 20-30 minutes phone conversation mostly at the end of the day) but then suddenly he’ll be like I’m busy, people are over, I’m with my parents etc etc every single day for weeks. Amid all this, he’ll be going out with his friends but would be busy for me. I would understand for a while but would generally lose my calm when i would see that he’s going about his day all fine and having time for everything except me. He wouldn’t even have one proper conversation for me to even address this. It would be at these times that one day I would just lose my calm and call him repeatedly. When he would finally talk to me very reluctantly saying hurry up I’ve to go here go there, I would literally break down and then he’d start shouting calling me non-understanding and a cry-baby. I don’t know if this information is relevant but knowing that maybe not calling again and again would have been a more mature thing to do, I can’t sometimes help my self-doubt overshadowing my reason.

Regarding the 3rd point as what part of it do i want to or feel i would carry with me, I don’t really know Anita. I think I already have little clarity from yesterday after reading your and Peter’s perspective and i think I’m feeling a little prepared to at least try letting go this obsessive want to hold on to anything related to him. But yes, I don’t want to have rose-tinted glasses and remember only the good parts while forgetting the hurt and cruelty, definitely not that.